I have not blogged in so long, it’s kind of a weird thing. We do get distracted around here, a lot. There’s a lot of things to be distracted by.

Tomorrow we’re headed to a school-wide camping trip - off to Bear Country (cue music) where we’ll be hanging out with the kids, sharing food with friends, roasting marshmallows, and all that fun stuff.  Today one parent told me that she and husband HATE camping and it’s the worst day of the year for them. Boggled the mind, this did: and also it opened my mind to the reality (oh Hai, realuh-Tee!) that (gasp!) some really ordinary looking people may actually be completely alien under their skins.

But what really got me to start blogging again, or at least, to write this particular entry is my BURNING NEED to TELL THE WORLD that I stepped on a yellow jacket two days ago, and got stung on the bottom of my foot and it has hurt and itched and itched and hurt.  Now it’s stopped hurting and ITCHES LIKE HELL.  There, now I told you.

Thank GOODNESS I have a blog.

Now, it being nearly 11 PM, I think I better start looking around for my camping supplies. [grin]

It has been said that bloggers are the new voices of opinion. I use the fabulously passive voice here (it has been said) so as to avoid having to justify my own claims. Information flows fast and furious, and we all get to say whatever we want.

Our thoughts are neatly inscribed on the eyeballs of a few friends or maybe a dozens of casually interested strangers. What fun to think that some power can be had just by typing up my opinions!

But want to know what’s even MORE fun? Participating in a telephone poll! I was (randomly?) chosen to be part of a poll of some kind and just got off the phone. It was clearly designed to be answered by someone who’s not yet really quite decided for whom they’ll vote.  Part of the survey was to ask me to react to statements about John McCain and see if they would “put doubt in my mind” about McCain.

Hah! Funny! I have no doubt about McCain at all. Why, I would absolutely NEVER vote for the guy, so there’s no doubt here at all!

Here are some of the points raised by the pollster:

- McCain is too old to be president (I didn’t agree, because I don’t care that he’s 72 and a skin cancer survivor, I just don’t think he should be in office due to his political beliefs.)

- McCain has a nasty temper and is easily ticked off (Oh really? All the more reason to keep this guy the hell away from the trigger!)

-McCain admits he doesn’t know anything about the economy or domestic issues, but is really only focused on foreign affairs (well, shoot! That pretty much disqualifies you from being the president, dude. Sorry!)

-McCain is even more of a war hawk than Bush. He wants to keep a permanent occupation of Iraq, and will likely want to bomb, bomb, bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran! (Um, no thanks. I don’t really like the continual killing, I’d prefer less killing with my presidency, thanks.)

So, asks the pollster, do these statements put any doubt in your mind about McCain?

“No,” I answered, “none at all. I have no doubt that he’s a total bastard and should be kept as far away from the Oval Office as possible.”

I think I seriously entertained the interviewer — she thanked me and said it was very enjoyable talking to me today.

I expect that as time goes by, more Americans will also agree with my lack of doubt about McCain.

C: Dad, what would you say if we brought home a puppy without talking to you about it first?
D: I would probably say a lot of things, but I’d say most of them to Mommy.
C: Yeah, I bet you’d say to her exactly what I thought you’d say.
D: And what’s that?
C: “What the FUCK1NG HELL!??”

To: Myself

Re: Changing anti-depressants

Please note that changing your anti-depressants and having your job reviewed at the same time is probably not a good strategy. Note this however: this too shall pass.

I have had some trouble when I try to embed a video in my posts. I actually know what’s behind the technical problem, but the only solution I have had so far is to make the post and then don’t edit it… if I edit it at all, the code gets messed up and then you can’t see the video. That’s why there’s a big blank white space on my recent post “CSA pickup day”. Here’s the video that is supposed to appear there…

In spite of the difficulties, I do love my job.

Nevertheless, on days like today, when it’s warm but not hot, and the ground is nice and moist from yesterday’s rain, I would normally have had the leisure time to do some gardening after picking the girls up from school. I would normally be able to be there for them, to get C to do her homework after school, and to get together some dinner for them at a reasonable hour.

This doesn’t happen too well if I am not home after school! I miss being able to cuddle and hang out with my kids in the afternoon. I miss having that extra time at home when I am not scheduled to be working.

It suddenly dawned on me this week that I have two jobs now. Well, three, if you count “Mom” as a job title. No wonder I am feeling kind of overwhelmed. I was struggling to get things done before I was working in the afternoons and early evening. Now I have even less time to do my freelance / business keeping — and it shows. The bookkeeping is in an atrocious state.

There are bills unpaid, late fees, work unbilled… It is not good.

I feel stretched and sad and I’m second guessing myself. Should I really take on this job as After School teacher? Is it worth it? Is my family’s loss of my time and energy in the afternoons and evenings worth the pay I get from teaching? Does my own personal satisfaction with the work make up for the fact that I miss my old life?

I think it does. It is just so hard to adjust. I keep reminding myself that summer is nearly here. Then I’ll have dropped to one fewer job and I will be able to garden and play and cuddle and cook. And work on my business bookkeeping.

I am presently crunching on a delightful salad, created with the delicious fresh stuff from my CSA. This week’s box of goodies included spinach, three kinds of lettuce, two bunches of gorgeous radishes, scallions, portabello mushrooms and a pint of strawberries. All of it harvested very recently, on 100% organic small farms, and then sent to my nearby pickup location by truck.

I arrived in the rain, my own box in hand, and picked out my share of this week’s harvest. Such beautiful fresh lettuce! Such sweet ripe strawberries! I am officially addicted to butterhead lettuce. I am so in love with the green goodness of it all. That sounds really funny, but it’s true. And the strawberries just really made my day.
But you don’t have to take my word for it:

EDIT: I want to clarify that the teacher I spoke to about as close to a supervisor as any one else at this school, where co-operative values indicate that the staff work together through a consensus and there is no principal. Also it was depression talking when I said “hate”. The teacher never used that word: she just said that the kids didn’t like me and felt like I came across as angry at them too easily and when they were not expecting it. She also said that I “replaced a teacher that they liked…” which implies, to me, that they *don’t* like me. She wasn’t sure if they disliked me personally, or if they just felt like they were suddenly stuck with a program where it was great for little kids but not for them.

I agree, with the gist of the comments: Shock! Middle schoolers who don’t like a new authority figure! The worst bit about this piece of feedback is how late it was in the coming. Now they’ve had it in their minds (and yes, there’s a lot of conforming to one another) that they don’t like me or After School. It is hard to change that, but I have to try.

At this school, these middle school kids apparently like all the OTHER teachers… just not the new one (me.) Who happens to be the mother of a “little kid” (second grader).

— end EDIT —

Here I am, the night before Mother’s Day.

My house is a mess.

I have two hours worth of cleaning at my daughter’s school that I have to do before the weekend is up.

My mom is coming to visit tomorrow morning, and sleeping over tomorrow night.

I have mother’s day presents for my mom, and mother-in-law: but the catch is I haven’t planted the flowers in the hanging pots I bought yet.

I just put my kids to bed about 10 minutes ago (yes, wow, that’s awfully late for them, isn’t it. Hmmm…)

I just started a brand new anti-depressant and I am on the lookout for brain zaps.

I met with a teacher that works at the school where I work just this morning to review how my job has been going. She was a kind of emissary from the rest of the staff who’d had a meeting and voiced their concerns and comments about my job performance so far. I found out that a) I’ve been showing up to work at the wrong time b) there are rules about the kids’ limits that nobody had bothered to tell me and c) it turns out that the fifth graders all hate me and hate going to after school. That was hard.

Of course, it’s not all bad with my job. The younger kids adore me (that’s the kindergarteners, the first graders, second graders, and third graders. The fourth graders are not quite sure. The seventh and eighth graders get along with me ok. It’s those damn middle school kids. The ones who pout and roll their eyes and won’t talk to me. They won’t tell me what they want to do but they also don’t like anything I suggest. The only thing they like is sitting together on the bench and chatting. I let them do that. They like that, but otherwise they hate me.

So: grades K-3: I’m great. 4: I’m not sure. 5-6: They hate me. 7-8: They like me. My feelings are a little hurt, but I am trying to rally myself to just keep trying. I’ll talk to the teachers of the kids who hate me and ask them for advice. Wonder what they do to not be hated by these pugnacious tweens with attytood.

As I go around cleaning here and there, thither and yon tonight, I have one thing on my mind. It’s the pouty face of the tween girl in my after school program most weeks. What can I do to get through to her?

Today I saw my doctor, who is a young-ish man who seems really smart and kind. I trust him, which is unusual for me.

I made the appointment this morning after running to the bathroom to pee repeatedly yesterday and again in the morning — ooh, that burning feeling. If you’ve never had a bladder infection, lucky you.

While at the doctor, I took the opportunity to review my anti-depressants with Dr. Niceguy. It has come to my attention that I am kind of hanging on by a thread lately. Tired, having trouble focusing, doing the minimum to get by, fretful, etc. The good doc has recommended a new medication, and I’m game to give it a try.

It is just so frustrating to feel like you’re stable and then realize that  you have slipped once again. To make matters more freaky, Dr. Niceguy mentioned in this overly casual way that I might have some “brain zaps” due to withdrawal from my current medication.

Uh. Brain zaps?

Apparently this is a “classic withdrawal symptom” from going off my medication. It’s like having little electrical jabs in your head.  Frankly, this freaks me out a little.

But Dr. N said that it wasn’t very likely, and that the new medication can be stepped up a little more quickly if the brain zaps get me, and it would clear right up.

I just hope that the medication works. On the plus side, he said this was a type of anti-depressant that might “make you feel like you’ve had a cup of coffee”. That sounds good!

1) obsess over small details for non-urgent projects. Example: you might want to rearrange the rocks in your bonsai fountain, or carefully shine your tea kettle.

2) note that your feet are chilly: solve problem by putting them under blanket. In bed.

3) stare dejectedly at large pile of clutter, rather than, say, going through it looking for lost library item.

4) make a careful list of things to do, place it on dresser. Pick up laptop, write blog post about procrastination.