I’ve been a little reluctant to post a new post after that sweet, sweet letter that D wrote me. I just kept coming back to my blog and re-reading it. I know that I am loved. I will be fine. We’ll get through, it, whatever it may be.

Yet life and its insecurities rage on. I don’t know if it’s safe to write about using illegal drugs on one’s blog, no matter how anonymous it is (and this one’s not all that successful at anonymity!) So I am only going to say this: that if I were to be the sort of gal who enjoys a puff or two of a relaxing kind of smoke from time to time when the kiddos are safely put away on their shelves, then now would be a pretty good time to seek such relaxation.

In fact, D and I are both pretty anxious right now. I hadn’t mentioned this before (probably because of denial, shame, or whatever) but we’re being sued by the lovely city of brotherly love. It’s because apparently our accountant made a mistake on our 2001, or maybe it was our 2002, tax returns. It seems that our city taxes were not filed, or not filed properly.

Since I’m someone whose eyes glaze over and ears seemed stuffed with fluff whenever taxes are discussed, I honestly don’t fully get what happened, or when, or why. I just know that our tax situation requires that a (new) professional accountant deal with it. In order to avoid the $5000 fine and being required to appear at a hearing, the city requires that we file (or re-file, if it was filed) no later than three days before the hearing. If we do, the hearing’s cancelled, the $5000 fine is avoided.

The hearing is August 11. When we’re in upstate NY on vacation. Talking to the accountant’s office today, he said they’d get right to it and work on our taxes. Um… please hurry the fuck up, ok? I mentioned to the clerk I spoke with that there’s this little $5000 fine we’re trying to avoid, and the little lawsuit we’re trying to have dropped… and the best he could say is that they’re going to get started on it right away.

Anxiety much? Now you can understand why I might just be interested in something that might take the edge off. Ease the freak-out a little.

I am also anxious about packing for our vacation (remember my little problem with packing for a ONE NIGHT STAY recently? Well how’s about a two week trip to the middle of nowhere NY where you have to drive 30 miles to get anywhere civilized?) I am perhaps equally anxious about preparing for next year and working as the after school teacher at this wonderful little school. It’s like being pregnant in a way. You get to this point where you suddenly remember OH SHIT! I’M GOING TO GIVE BIRTH! AM I READY FOR THIS?

The fact is I am NOT ready. I am far from ready. I also am not feeling ready for the simple daily life functions of getting my kids up daily, dressed, fed and out the door to go to school on time each day. I am not ready to pay my business bills, either. I really need to do much more, or else face serious consequences.

It’s also 11:52 AM and I am not ready to feed my kids their lunch today. I didn’t get them an adequate breakfast, yet, either, though they both ate something.

And here I am just lolling in anxiety to the point where I wonder if it would be a good idea to take part in some kind of relaxing herbal refreshment (what my pals and I sometimes called it when we were teens).

I need to get my shit together. Perhaps the first thing to do is get dressed and go buy some food. I’ll need some snacks later on if I go with the whole herbal refreshment plan, anyway.

I had an anxiety dream about my job that starts in the fall. In my dream, the school year had begun, and I forgot to show up to work. Instead, I tried just picking up my kids and going home. I was greeted by all the kids there at school, who were all hungry and tired from their first day of school. What’s for snack? was the constant refrain. It was then I realized that I was supposed to be their after school teacher.

And I’d kind of forgotten to prepare for that, as I also forgot to show up to the job. I rooted then through the pantry, trying to find some snacks left over from camp. Then I tried to get the kids to do some kind of activity. The hostility from the older kids was intense. They rolled their eyes at me, walked out of the room, snickering behind their hands. It was awful.

When I woke up from this, my heart was beating kind of fast. I realized with a jolt that the summer is halfway gone. What am I doing this summer, I asked myself? My life is so disorganized. I have no structure. I am not taking care of business, and I’m not getting this place ship-shape. I am not planning ahead for the fall.

That dream was a wake-up call. I need to get myself in order. But I feel really stuck, paralyzed. I don’t know what I can do to get out of this feeling of trying to move a mountain. I am just able to get to OT appointments and provide three meals (sometimes just two) to the kids each day.

This is not an easy place to be, mentally. I feel really stuck.

Today was Monday.

I keep forgetting that, though. Somewhere over the weekend, I realized that summer is really here at last. So begins what kind of feels like an eternal weekend. There is no school. There is no After School. There is no childcare.

Plus, Cammy is off in Florida doing wild-n-crazy schtuff to celebrate reaching age 21. Plus visiting her mom, and sisters. She’ll be back within 3 weeks, so it’s not that dire or anything.

But anyway, here am I suddenly — going from the high intensity of running camp for two weeks, to the completely different world of being here. And I have no childcare.

I am not a stay at home mom. I never have identified myself that way. I think it’s more apt to say that now that it’s summer it’s my kids who stay at home. Although that is not strictly accurate either.

Today Annie had her first session of occupational therapy, thus beginning a sixty day treatment period, in which she’ll have about three sessions each week. Her therapy is located about 40 minutes away from home (by car). Annie is healthy and developmentally advanced for her age in many ways, but for one. She seems to be a bit delayed in developing her fine motor skills. This is mostly showing up in the way that she grasps a pencil: with her hand in a fist, rather than with her pointer and thumb working together in a tripod.

While she’s quite talented at drawing with this grasp, it’s something of a red flag. Upon getting her evaluated, I was surprised to learn that her “core strength” and “upper body strength” are in need of development. This “laxity” as they call it is one of the reasons that she is so darn flexible (she can put her foot behind her head!).

Luckily the therapy began in the summer: I can’t imagine how I’d ever manage to do this during the school year! It is also reassuring that the therapy is really pretty fun for Annie. I watched today as she got to swing in a big inner tube (working on balance and core body strength), roll on an exercise ball, and color with special shorty crayons. Her therapist was positive and friendly and good at establishing rapport.

Thus begins my summer. I will also be taking my kids to swimming lessons. And I’ll be working in our corner of a community garden, which over the last few weekends Drob and I worked very hard to get started. We still have a good deal of space to add things to, and I’m still in the dreamy phase of “what ELSE is fun to grow” even though at this point, I don’t think I’ll start too much more by seed. Maybe some cukes if the ones I put in two weekends ago still look sad and pathetic. I may have started them (indoors) too early and waited to long to put them in the ground.

Oh yeah, and of course I have a lot of catching up to do with the business that I still run. Clients still send me updates for their websites, and I still have to send out invoices for web hosting and other services, and call people back when they have a question or two. Making return phonecalls is one of the worst challenges, now that the kids are home from school. I just despise making phonecalls when I will be interrupted by squeaky lil ones. I feel terribly unprofessional when that happens, so I often don’t call people back.

Instead, I try to address their message by responding via email. This is not always possible, naturally. I would not be able to do this if the reason for their call is that their email is down. Hah!

Meanwhile, there’s a ton of catching up to do around the old homestead where laundry and dishes and grocery shopping fell completely by the wayside during the two weeks of frenzied day camp activities.

Summer is here, oh yes. Time to relax, garden, do bookkeeping, pay bills, wash clothes, do dishes, cook and clean, mop floors, clean catboxes, organize children’s rooms, generate invoices, go to occupational therapy, and swim lessons, and update client websites.

Summer… that time of year when there’s just nothing to do but sleep late and laze about the house drinking iced tea and eating little cucumber sandwiches.

The whole middle of my body, from somewhere near my ribs down to my belly button feels like its filled with some kind of heavy, dangerous substance. I have to hold myself steady to keep it from tipping out of my in some way. My hair is screwed onto my head. My arms are clenched and ready. My eyes are weary but wary. My heart feels like it is doing a loop-dee-lou, racing around, while I wonder if I should sit or stand, walk or lay down, write this blog post or make a list of things to do.

Anxiety.

I am anxious about the camp I’m supposed to teach in just a few short days. I am not prepared at all. I don’t have the materials for it yet. I don’t have the snacks. I don’t even have all the activities planned. In fact, a lot of people who’d expressed interest in going to camp are now saying their kid won’t come. So I don’t even know if this is going to work for the school, as in financially. Which was a condition of offering the damn camp in the first place.

I have to confess I really don’t think I want to do this. I am really afraid of failing. I’m afraid it will go badly, and then I could really not get the job for next year.

The Personnel Committee has still not met with me to discuss anything about next year; the staff didn’t say peep, either. So day to day (and this is the last week of school: TWO days left of me teaching after school), I am unsure about my future. Will I have this job in the fall? Are they waiting to see if I do well in the camp program before considering me for the job?

They could just decide to tell me that they aren’t going to re-hire me for next year and that they’re doing a new job search and I need not apply. That’s how unsure I feel. That’s how anxious. Pit of Tension in stomach, lump in throat.

AND YET. And yet, tonight I went to the eighth grade graduation ceremony, which was incredibly sweet. I cried a little for each and every graduate, out of the feelings of love so evident in the comments of the parents, friends and staff. This school really is wonderful in so many ways. It feels more like a church than a school; it’s a community of people who share certain values and work together to raise their kids into beautiful people.

The graduation ceremony left NO ONE out. I even got a rose! I was SO shocked to be appreciated publicly, not just once, but twice! One of the parents took great care to acknowledge the after school teachers (3 of them, including me, who ran the program during her children’s time at the school) and to recognized each by name and to thank each of us for giving her kids a safe and comfortable home after school.

And then there was a part of the ceremony where the graduates gave a rose to each current staff member, even office staff, and spoke a sentence or two about the contributions and efforts of each member. Including me. Yes, including me. I was so touched to be included.

I’d been sitting there, in the back row, with tears streaming down my face, overwhelmed with emotion about all the love these kids are surrounded by. When suddenly I heard my name — and was so surprised. I did NOT see it coming at all. It was clear to me that even though it’s been only a few short weeks, I am making an impact on the lives of kids and their families. To be appreciated publicly? That is such an unusual feeling for me– usually I feel I am on the outside looking in, or else hidden from view. Ignored or overlooked, or generally taken for granted.

In spite of the kindness and the inclusion of today, I also sat there watching the other teachers. I sat alone. They all had each other. They are a group, and I am not really a part. They are full time, while my job is part time. They all have staff meetings together: I can’t go to the meetings most of the time, since I am watching the kids in after school. My personality doesn’t do well with feeling left out — I am just not quite secure enough for that.

Plus, apparently with all the people around, I got distracted and must have left the window open in the room where I teach, because one of the lead teachers kind of scolded me about it just before graduation. The school wasn’t empty when I left it to walk over to the other building where graduation was taking place — and this must have distracted me from doing my usual doors and windows check. Figures that the one day I forget, this particularly strong teacher would notice and take the time and energy at graduation to scold me. It left my stomach feeling, well, like it does now.

I’m filled with dread. Do I get to keep this job or not? It is so hard being left in the dark on this issue, with the ambiguity continuing and continuing. And every day that I work in the job, I’m trying to do a good job but I’m also so nervous. I feel like I’m being watched and judged. And camp is the final exam.

There’s so much going on, I want to scream. There are end-of-year potlocks to prepare for, and when will I do that? I have from 9:30 am tomorrow morning, until about 2 PM when I have to head to work to: prepare for two potlocks, buy supplies for camp, buy snacks for camp, plus take care of the usual things I have to take care of. I am overwhelmed and miserable.

And I don’t even know if I’m wanted for this job for next year!

And I’m working for two weeks from 9 am to 5:30 pm FOR NO ADDITIONAL PAY even though I have NO ACTUAL OBLIGATION TO DO SO. But I feel I was pressured into it: If I didn’t do it, they’d have even more reason to NOT re-hire me for next year. So I am trying to be good, and do it, and do it well, and cope and manage it all.

Pit of tension. Super pit.

They Love Me. They Love Me Not. They Love Me. They Love Me Not. Well, what is it?

In spite of the difficulties, I do love my job.

Nevertheless, on days like today, when it’s warm but not hot, and the ground is nice and moist from yesterday’s rain, I would normally have had the leisure time to do some gardening after picking the girls up from school. I would normally be able to be there for them, to get C to do her homework after school, and to get together some dinner for them at a reasonable hour.

This doesn’t happen too well if I am not home after school! I miss being able to cuddle and hang out with my kids in the afternoon. I miss having that extra time at home when I am not scheduled to be working.

It suddenly dawned on me this week that I have two jobs now. Well, three, if you count “Mom” as a job title. No wonder I am feeling kind of overwhelmed. I was struggling to get things done before I was working in the afternoons and early evening. Now I have even less time to do my freelance / business keeping — and it shows. The bookkeeping is in an atrocious state.

There are bills unpaid, late fees, work unbilled… It is not good.

I feel stretched and sad and I’m second guessing myself. Should I really take on this job as After School teacher? Is it worth it? Is my family’s loss of my time and energy in the afternoons and evenings worth the pay I get from teaching? Does my own personal satisfaction with the work make up for the fact that I miss my old life?

I think it does. It is just so hard to adjust. I keep reminding myself that summer is nearly here. Then I’ll have dropped to one fewer job and I will be able to garden and play and cuddle and cook. And work on my business bookkeeping.

EDIT: I want to clarify that the teacher I spoke to about as close to a supervisor as any one else at this school, where co-operative values indicate that the staff work together through a consensus and there is no principal. Also it was depression talking when I said “hate”. The teacher never used that word: she just said that the kids didn’t like me and felt like I came across as angry at them too easily and when they were not expecting it. She also said that I “replaced a teacher that they liked…” which implies, to me, that they *don’t* like me. She wasn’t sure if they disliked me personally, or if they just felt like they were suddenly stuck with a program where it was great for little kids but not for them.

I agree, with the gist of the comments: Shock! Middle schoolers who don’t like a new authority figure! The worst bit about this piece of feedback is how late it was in the coming. Now they’ve had it in their minds (and yes, there’s a lot of conforming to one another) that they don’t like me or After School. It is hard to change that, but I have to try.

At this school, these middle school kids apparently like all the OTHER teachers… just not the new one (me.) Who happens to be the mother of a “little kid” (second grader).

— end EDIT —

Here I am, the night before Mother’s Day.

My house is a mess.

I have two hours worth of cleaning at my daughter’s school that I have to do before the weekend is up.

My mom is coming to visit tomorrow morning, and sleeping over tomorrow night.

I have mother’s day presents for my mom, and mother-in-law: but the catch is I haven’t planted the flowers in the hanging pots I bought yet.

I just put my kids to bed about 10 minutes ago (yes, wow, that’s awfully late for them, isn’t it. Hmmm…)

I just started a brand new anti-depressant and I am on the lookout for brain zaps.

I met with a teacher that works at the school where I work just this morning to review how my job has been going. She was a kind of emissary from the rest of the staff who’d had a meeting and voiced their concerns and comments about my job performance so far. I found out that a) I’ve been showing up to work at the wrong time b) there are rules about the kids’ limits that nobody had bothered to tell me and c) it turns out that the fifth graders all hate me and hate going to after school. That was hard.

Of course, it’s not all bad with my job. The younger kids adore me (that’s the kindergarteners, the first graders, second graders, and third graders. The fourth graders are not quite sure. The seventh and eighth graders get along with me ok. It’s those damn middle school kids. The ones who pout and roll their eyes and won’t talk to me. They won’t tell me what they want to do but they also don’t like anything I suggest. The only thing they like is sitting together on the bench and chatting. I let them do that. They like that, but otherwise they hate me.

So: grades K-3: I’m great. 4: I’m not sure. 5-6: They hate me. 7-8: They like me. My feelings are a little hurt, but I am trying to rally myself to just keep trying. I’ll talk to the teachers of the kids who hate me and ask them for advice. Wonder what they do to not be hated by these pugnacious tweens with attytood.

As I go around cleaning here and there, thither and yon tonight, I have one thing on my mind. It’s the pouty face of the tween girl in my after school program most weeks. What can I do to get through to her?

I worked HARD today. Oh sure, you could glibly say that a mother’s work is never done, or that all moms are working moms, or that every day is one in which a mother works hard. And all that would be true.

The nice thing about the mom gig, in my opinion, is that often it doesn’t feel like work to me. I sure love my kids. I love hanging out with them, I love sharing food and conversation with them. They are lovely (if sometimes demanding) companions, and they have a great sense of humor, and (mostly, when they’re not too embarrassed) appreciate the bizarre alien that is their mother.

But I digress. I wanted to talk about how hard I worked today. Oh, but one more digression, lest I manage to alienate (I did say I was an alien, didn’t I?) any menfolk reading my blog. Dads work hard too, all that, etc. I know you do. Hang in there, you will make it through your day too. It’s hard. Life is hard. Parenting is hard. Working inside of, outside of, near or next to, home or not home, whatever you do… I validate you. Really I do. But hey, I digress. Like I said before. (Have I mentioned lately what an alien I can be sometimes?) FREAKISH POST HERE YIKES

…………

Where.

Was.

I?

—————- OH YEAH—————————-

Right. Bitching, er, sharing about how hard I worked today. OKAY THEN.

Today I ran a zoo childcare arrangement which a) required no pre-registration, b) was open to any of the 70 or so kids who go to the school where I teach, which I should mention c) includes children ages 5 to 14. Any of these kids is allowed to arrive any time between 8:30 AM and whenever they feel like it, and the program runs until 6 PM. I was on duty all this time, with no break, no adult assistance, and, it turned out, no more than 15 kids to look after at any given time.

The tricky bit was how the group kept changing. This being a day in which kids are meeting with their teachers (conferences) and therefore dropping in and then wandering off from the group. Meanwhile I’m there trying to make sure nobody hurts anybody, or cries, or pulls out a container of marbles and flings them all around the room, or calls someone a hurtful name and then gets kicked for it, or any number of annoying things. These are just examples from the FIRST HALF HOUR.

Ok, maybe I am exaggerating just a little bit.

But the fact remains that I was THE ONE PERSON IN CHARGE for nine and a half hours straight with no breaks and constantly supervising children who need this or that or the next thing. Pann, they clamored, I need you to thread my needle (I’d set up embroidery hoops for one activity), Pann, they yodeled, when’s snack? Pann, they gargled, So-and-So’s looking at me funny! No I’m not! Yes You ARE! Pann! Pann! Pann! Pann!

And NOT ONCE did I YELL! And certainly I never even once said “EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I AM THE VERY PORTRAIT OF SELF RESTRAINT!!!!!

And tomorrow, I get to do it all again.

Have I told you lately how much I LOOOVE teaching!? Oh, I really do. REALLY. I am not kidding or being sarcastic. But some days … are much harder than others. Tomorrow the art teacher has offered to step in for me so that I can get a quick breather at some point. So there’s that!

Looking forward to the weekend… forecast is for rain, rain, rain. Think maybe I’ll sleep in??

EDITED …

Oh yeah, I forgot… early in the day I DID get a brief break from teaching in order to attend my own child’s teacher conference. Just to be fair, thought I should disclaim…..

It’s good weather for kite flying. At work last week, I made some kites with my after school kids. Unfortunately, it started to rain — and rained HARD — so we didn’t get to fly them. Today, though, my girls and I made a couple kites and took them out to test them in the cool spring wind.

Success!

As time goes by, I am feeling more and more confident that I will be hired for next year’s after school teaching position. I have received many, many kind words of appreciation and encouragement, and I have a good feeling that this will work out well.

I do miss having my afternoons and early evenings home to hang out with my kids, plan my dinners, and generally take it easy. But the trade off is acceptable: the truth is that we are finding the extra income very welcome. Next year we will have both girls at this independent school, and whenever I think about the tuition, my fillings ache. If I have this job, we have the cash to make this a lot easier on us.

Not to mention the fact that I feel personally fulfilled by this job. I am having a positive impact on the lives of a larger group of children than just my own two. I am able to do creative and interesting projects and share them with young people. I enjoy the kindness and enthusiasm of the staff and parents. It is all warm fuzzy.

Plus, I have the summer coming up! The Summer! It will come and I will have my afternoons and evenings back!

Today I’m feeling grateful and happy. It could be the sunlight and kite flying; these are things to remember on darker, rainier days when the tears lurk just beyond my eyelids.

Two things that are hard.

D and I have been trying to get our hectic lives more organized. We’re sick and tired of being overwhelmed by mountains of laundry and dishes, we’ve had it with clutter.  So we sat down and talked it over last night, and made some plans that might just alleviate our stress levels.

Making the plan is pretty difficult, but following through on the plan is even harder.

I feel like I am losing my mind, but at least I do have the plan.

Partly I’m losing my mind trying to plan a big project: a two week summer program for which I would be responsible for all the supplies, all the snacks, all the activities, all the publicity, all the budgeting, setting the fee for the program, collecting and organizing the sign-up forms, determining the number of kids who can attend, and hiring staff.

I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE. Plus, it’s up in the air whether I’d be paid anything extra for all this effort plus the two weeks of more than full time work.

UM? Excuse me, have I completely lost my mind? Who in their right mind would even consider doing this much work when they do not have to?

What a month this has been! I’ve blogged quite a bit less than usual, but have lived quite a big more than usual.

Though I should be doing other things, I feel the need to take a little time to process, especially since this coming weekend promises to be quite busy.

I am really delighted with my new job. I am still trying to settle into a comfortable rhythm of each day, balancing my “free time” (Ha!) with my preparation time for the job. I have to figure out a way to be more efficient, because each week I seem to spend most of the mornings getting some portion of either snack or materials ready for the afternoon. Reminder to self: this is a half time job, not a full time one.  You can’t be spending all morning prepping for the afternoon and still expect to keep your business running as well.

In spite of my sense of frustration with my own continual squandering of time, I am very happy with the job itself. I have received so many kudos from parents and teachers about how good a job I am doing, that I have completely lost count. The initiatives that I have put into motion seem to be well received, and the only complaints I’ve had so far are from kids who want to play their hand-held video games or watch movies.  I’ve decided to limit the video games to one half hour period during the first choice time of the after school program.  This means that some of these cute little addicts are at times seriously jonesing for their games. Too bad! We have other things to do!

Some of the older kids really crave movie watching. I do not have movies on my schedule for the after school program at all. When I do, it will be something short — 30-45 minutes — rather than a full length feature film, and I will be choosing the movie in advance. The no-movie policy that we had this past wednesday caused quite a bit of whining, but we made it through somehow.  The fort we built out of newspapers and fabric swatches was more fun than a movie, as was bouncing on the trampoline. Plus the popsicle sticks and puffball crafts were really creative and interesting. On different days, we have made muffins, grilled cheese, and hummus. We have planted seeds in planters, begun planning a quilt project, and did magnet experiments. “You can watch movies at home; we have so much to do here without movies distracting us,” I told them. Mean teacher!

I also am trying to get a period of QUIET to happen. As a parent of a kid who stays in my own program, I’m a little frustrated with how hard it is to get her to do her homework. By the time we get home from after school, she’s really tired, and the next morning there is never quite enough time for homework. It’s a good thing her teacher is so understanding. But I wonder what other parents feel about getting kids to use some of their afterschool time to do homework. I have to think about how to accomplish this– it is not easy to manage a diverse group of kids AND have them be quiet enough for a handful of kids to sit and do homework. Hmmmm……

On the home front, we all seem to be adjusting well to live with Cammy. She is a treasure, really she is! I feel so lucky to have her helping me, it’s just such a relief. As time goes on, I am sure I will find more ways to help her, too. I love being able to help people– and when it works in such a way that it helps me too, well, it seems almost too good to be true. It’s like in the olden days, when extended families lived together and helped one another along. There is a lot of good in that kind of system.

It took me a while to figure how to introduce Cammy to others. “She’s my husband’s first cousin who moved here from Florida” is kind of wordy. “She’s our new nanny” is kind of snotty sounding and not really that honest, since she means so much more to me than that.  But now I have figured out what I will say when I next introduce her: “This is Cammy, she’s part of my family, and lives with us now.”

This month was probably the nicest February I’ve had in a long time. I usually just can’t wait to escape from February.  We even got to have a snow day — one of those lovely surprise snow days that are just snowy enough for good fun, but not so snowy that you actually need to dig the car out. I didn’t even touch a shovel, as I knew it would warm up the next day and clear the walks for us. Cammy got to sled for the first time in her life! Yay! Fun!

Even  though it was quite a good month, I am much looking ahead to spring.  Welcome, March.  I am waiting to see my snow follies pushing up through the earth.