I went to PennDOT today to get my photo taken for my driver’s license.

Now, I know, and you know, that driver’s license photos are always unflattering, right? But PennDOT is kind and wise, or maybe just kinda wise. They let you see your photo before it is printed on your license. You can do it over if you don’t like it. As much as you want.

My first try was awful. I’d tried to smile, and it just looked like gas, or something, and WHOAH, HELLO DOUBLE CHIN! Yikes! I asked her to do it over.

The second try was better, but also looked bizarre. Who is that crazy lady, was my first thought. Then I remembered, oh yeah, that’s me. The smile was kind of rictus-looking, but the chins were a little less obvious. The hair looked okay for a crazy lady.

On the other hand, a few nights ago I went out to a party* with Drob, and I got all dressed up. I even put body makeup on my boobages. Glittery boobages! I borrowed a swanky sexy red dress and did my hair and put on makeup. I can’t believe there are people who actually do that every day! Ok, not the dress, but the rest of it. Everyone told me I looked great (hot, beautiful, pretty, awesome, etc.) That was nice. Should have gotten my driver’s license photo done that night. Of course, that isn’t possible, and there’s something wrong about getting your driver’s license photo taken when you are stumbling around, having had too many mojito’s.

Still, and anyway, it’s good to know that I can clean up nice from time to time. I had the worst headache ever the next morning, but I don’t regret it at all. It’s not like I made out with random strangers and puked on my shoes. THAT would be a crazy party.

*Fundraiser for school! Does that count? Yes, it does, because I got kinda drunk and danced around in a distinctly undignified way.

That adorable little kitten died the day before yesterday, early in the morning. I’d held him all night, trying very hard to give him some nourishment. He could not or would not drink– not from a kitten bottle, not from a dropper. He was fading fast and I knew it. Every now and again he’d make sad, sad, mewling noises, and stretch his body out in a gruesome and sad way. So sad.

Yesterday was Annie’s sixth birthday, too. She came to our bedroom in the morning of her birthday. “Good morning, Happy Birthday,” I told her. “Lucky died,” said Drob, explaining my sad face and the little still bundle of black and white fluff still sitting on the bed.

It was very hard to be cheery and full of excitement. Lucky was just a tiny, sick little kitten and there was nothing more we could do for him. Annie was not as affected by his death as I was. I think she just understood, that he could die, from the beginning. He’d been so obviously ill over the last few days. I was ever hopeful.

Still, the bigger lesson is there, and it’s not an easy one. The little kitten showed us that you can care, and offer comfort even when it doesn’t result in a happy ending. I showed my children that you can care, and still lose something precious. Life does go on when there is a loss. That’s an important lesson.

Another lesson here is that when you think about it, you realize that ALL life on earth is temporary. We live just a little while. What will we do when we are here? Where will we go when we go? We don’t know– but we can think about the impact we make on others during our little lives. We can love large. We can offer hope. We can try, and we can fail, but that never negates the trying itself.

Just got my car back from the shop, where they’d had to replace the brake lines, pads, rotors, etc. Yay for working brakes. And to think that I drove around with leaky brake lines for how long?? Waaaay too long. It took a long time to get the car fixed, since the part that they needed is no longer in stock and is discontinued by Isuzu. Luckily Honda still makes the same part. I didn’t put it together before, but the problems that the auto industry have? Well they affect used car repair too, since the companies can’t afford to keep making parts for old cars. Not so great for me, since old cars is what we’re going to keep having for quite a while.

We’ve spent over $1000 on this old car so far this year– but that’s a lot less than buying a new car. Carla and Annie think we should get a hybrid. They would rather walk than pollute, but it would be even better if we could drive without polluting when we have to. I think it’s great that they have such a good grasp on this: their generation is the one that is going to be most affected by the planet’s status.

Sometimes I just feel guilty, though. I think that this may be the default setting for motherhood. Better to cheerfully grin and bear it, than be hangdog. Guilty? Yup, I sure am! I’m your mom after all! Tell it to your therapist, baby!

I remember sitting in the hospital just hours before going home, when Carla was a wee little babe on my lap. She was tiny and perfect (to my eyes) and I could see that I had my hands full. I started to think… and cry. “I’m sorry that you’ll have to go through middle school someday, baby!” I murmured to her tiny self.

Looking back, I know that was at least partially those wonderful post-partum hormones kicking in, but something larger is at play when you think of your children as they grow. After all, adoptive moms go through just as much worry and stress and guilt as any other mom. It’s the thought that your child will go through some kind of adversity, and the knowledge that though you are protecting your child as much as you can, you still will see the day when SOMETHING goes amiss.

This underarm odor thing is really normal, and I shouldn’t get worked up over it. But like any little thing, it sure is easy to be alarmed. It’s like a Check Engine light. I can tell something is up, but I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to make a big deal about a little odor — and I don’t want her to feel like her natural body is icky. But on the other hand, I would hate for her to be teased or just uncomfortable with herself.

When she and I talked about the body odor thing, I brought it up as follows:

“I’d like for you to get a bath tonight. Or, maybe, 8 and a half is a good age to start taking short showers in the morning. That way, you’re nice and fresh for school.”

C: “NO SHOWERS! I HATE SHOWERS. They’re like standing in boiling water rain! NO!”

“OK, bath tonight, then, that’s fine. I noticed that your body is starting to grow and change some, and it’s normal for kids your age to have more body odor, so a bath will help.”

C: “Maybe I should start wearing deodorant.”

Since she’s the one who brought it up, I think I should maybe follow her lead. I will want to research this and find something in the natural products range. Just deodorant, and not antiperspirant.

If only getting my car to work right were as easy. Or solving the global climate crisis, for that matter.

Unfortunately, on the way home the Check Engine light came on. Great!

I hate it when things just sit, unresolved. Could be something minor, major, doesn’t matter, but if it just sits on the back burner, and I have to keep track of it, it just really bugs me.

Right now, there are a bunch of unresolved issues. The one that weighs on me worst is this work situation, and I’m not even comfortable writing about it here, in the moderately anonymous forum of my personal blog. It is unsettling at best. I feel like I’m carrying a weight around, and it just goes on and on.

Another weight: we’re being sued by the city for failing to file taxes. The same ones that we’d paid an accountant $600 to file. Um. It’s not clear if they were filed, it’s confusing as hell. To make things worse, D had to re-do the taxes because they were done wrong. D fixed them, and I am going to deliver them in person tomorrow, trying to find my way through the city’s offices to see where to get the revised forms submitted. So that they can allow us to not have to appear in court. And drop the $5000 punitive fee. Sigh. I am nervous about this, as I don’t know what I am doing exactly. It’s an adventure, I suppose.

Another one: My dad apparently lost a lot of money from his investments, money that he was counting on for living expenses. He still gets social security, and a pension, but it’s hard living on those fixed incomes. He is re-doing his will (this is a good thing) and wants to know whether he should leave me his house, or leave it to both my brother and myself, and have us just sell it and split the proceeds. I think that given the economy now, having the house stay in the family longer would be better: why sell it when the market is so awful anyway? Of course we don’t know WHEN the Time will Come, so who knows on that anyway.

But yeah, we want the house, say D and I, and my dad is going to get his papers in order. Hope he does it.

Things get so ugly and awful when people die without putting their estate into order first.

Speaking of such things, I don’t have a will. That is bad, too. Anyone with kids should have a will, with contingencies and information, and what would happen IF Something Bad Occurs. Another unresolved thing.

All of this makes me want to hide under the blankets with a few cats and just escape.

Last night I played a card game here at home with D and Cammy, got a little silly. There was wine. It was fun, and relaxing. A brief escape from feeling so overwhelmed, tired, defeated by the world. Of course, today, it’s back to reality and I keep thinking how nice it would be to escape again.

My mother buys stuff for my kids, then tells them over the phone that it’s a surprise, and that they can’t have it until they come visit. Then she tells them that they have to tell me & D that they want to visit her.

This blatant manipulation of my kids is so obnoxious. Luckily, my kids are relatively un-materialistic (for kids). They aren’t DYING to find out what they got, and they know that we’ll visit my mom when I am good and ready. Which is to say, we’ll go for Easter, like always. End of story.

Why must she be such a manipulative jerk? Really takes the glow off of an otherwise lovely day. Grrr!

Happiness – Sledding – Snowday = Cuddly Cat
Cuddly Cat + Snowday = Sledding + Happiness

Math is so much fun, isn’t it?

I’m snuggled up in bed with Carla and Annie. We’re watching my favorite Miyazaki film: Spirited Away, with our new kitty, Saffron. Saffron is a big time sweetie, and eccentric as well. She washes her paws– I kid you not!– by sticking them in her water and swishing them around. She especially does this shortly after using her litter box. So tidy! She also loves people food of all kinds. So far, she’s tried and liked pizza, scrambled eggs, ham, turkey sausage, milk, cheerios (both wet and dry), brussel sprouts, and macaroni and cheese. Unfortunately this diet leads to quite a bit of flatulence. We can’t blame her, though, after all, we allowed her to eat that stuff!

D is completely smitten with this cat, and I have to admit I’m quite sweet on her as well. She sits on my lap, something that my other three cats won’t do. She also is quite talkative, which is amusing.

I am so glad today is Friday. I am feeling really down, and I don’t really have any particular reason why.

Just feel all heavy and wiped out and pointless. I realized that I have an all-day work day on Monday — when the school where I work is closed but it is part of my job to provide childcare from 8:30 AM to 6 PM. These days are long. They are tiring, for me and for the kids I care for, including my own.

Carla isn’t going to be there all day, though, because D is taking her to see a specialist. She’s reached the age of “it’s time to consider what to do.” Her issues are mainly relating to the way that she is able, or not able, to pay attention. We’ve met with our pediatric nurse practitioner, who is wonderful. The nurse agrees with our assessments, and with Carla’s teacher’s assessment that Carla almost certainly has ADHD.

ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, is a poorly named disorder. If you aren’t familiar with it, it sounds like a label for kids who have ants in their pants, and don’t ever pay attention to anything. You know, those lazy kids who just spaz out all the time.

That’s certainly not the case. Sometimes ADHD has hyperactivity as a symptom, and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes there are kids who can’t ever focus on anything, but not always. It’s really a cluster of symptoms, relating to one’s attention and activity levels, but it really does vary from case to case.

In Carla’s case, she has what they call the “inattentive” variety. This doesn’t really sound right either, since when she wants to, she is GREAT at being attentive. She can focus for hours and hours on something that she’s passionate about– say, making incredible art, or reading a whole book that she likes. She loves writing and will do that in a focused and determined way. But when something is the kind of task she’s NOT interested in, well, then — yeah, she’s a total space cadet.

Her mind is busy doing something else. It’s kind of like when you’re using a computer, and you KNOW you just clicked on something, but apparently the computer wasn’t ready to do what you asked. That’s how Carla gets — she just doesn’t respond sometimes. And it’s not easy to re-boot her, either!

“Huh? What?” she might say, coming back to reality, touching down from her little world of her own mind. “I spaced out,” she’ll admit. She even went so far as to tell me that spacing out is her super power.

In a way, she’s absolutely right. People with ADHD often have the ability to do INCREDIBLE things. They have a tendency to be bright, engaged, interesting, creative, and when they turn that super power focus to the “ON” position, well then: WHAMMY! What amazing success comes from that!

Unfortunately, life often contains things that don’t automatically trigger her WHAMMY attention. She might not be that interested in the math lesson — either she’s already mastered it or maybe just doesn’t care. Whatever the case is, she tunes out and misses a lot of stuff as a result.

Her teacher sees this happening even more when Carla is doing some class work with a partner– her partner is already finished and she’s just finally starting to put pencil to paper.

So anyway, we’re on to the investigation phase of what can we do to help Carla. I don’t think it’s easy– but there are routine, behavioral things that we do to help her and then there’s the medication route. Unfortunately, she’s anti-meds. Because they taste yucky.

It is hard being a parent.

Carla also has a problem with bed-wetting. She’s 8 and a half. She’s getting BIG. To still be wetting the bed these days is really getting to her. It’s every damn, night, too. I would be lying if I said I don’t mind washing sheets every day. She’s too big to wear a pull up– even the “deluxe” kinds that are supposed to be so great for big kids.

Her appointment on Monday is for the bed-wetting issues, but I think it all ties into the ADHD. People with ADHD have something different about the way their brain is “wired.” I believe that when she is asleep, her brain’s attention to body signal is pretty much zilch. That is my theory as to why she wets the bed: because her brain is somewhere ELSE.

I wish I could go to this appointment with her, but I am confident that D will be extremely competent at asking the right questions, getting good information. He is really on the ball, and understands Carla’s attention issues quite well. Nevertheless, I do wish I could be there.

As usual, writing has helped me somewhat. When I started this post, I just felt really dreary and dreadful. I am still down, but I feel a little bit better. (If people were to leave me little nice comments, that would help, too. Hint. Hint.)

I think I am officially a Cat Lady now. We are going to get another cat. Another cat, you say? But you have three cats already? What do you want another one for?

I saw a sign up for a cat who needed a home. A small cat, fluffy and orange. We met this cat, who is being fostered after being abandoned by a family who moved away. Her name is Mini — because she’s little.

I sure hope this cat will be as sweet and friendly at our house as she was when we met her. The Cat Lady I’m getting Mini from wants to do a home visit at our house, you know, to make sure it’s suitable for Mini. She will take a formal personality assessment of each of my three cats and make sure that Mini will be able to cope with that tribe of cats. Once the results are all in, and the house seems OK, we’ll probably take Mini in. We can always send her back to the Cat Lady if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason.

Anyway. Yesterday was a half birthday for Carla. She’s Eight And A Half now. She wants to know if Mini is her half birthday present, or what. She wants to know why we aren’t doing more to celebrate this glorious event (turning 8.5). She’s such a sassy little thing. I love her to bits, of course.

This morning my very sleepy family rousted ourselves out of our warm and cozy beds to head over to the voting booth and make history. Drob needed to get his voting accomplished before work, so the strategy we sought (along with about 100 other early birds) was to arrive shortly after the polls opened.

We got there about 7:15 AM. There was a long line that curled around the ramp and down the street. I snapped a few pictures of the people patiently waiting. I heard no grumbling.

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It was clear that we’d have quite a long wait, so the D and I decided that I should take the kids to WaWa for breakfast takeout (coffee, doughnuts) and come back. We get to WaWa and I realize, SHIT, I have no money on me– my wallet is at home. The kids and I head home, I can’t FIND my wallet, but I find a credit card and grab that. By the time we’ve gotten the breakfast, D finished voting, and there was no longer a line. The girls and I went ahead and voted.

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The girls and I all put our fingers on the green VOTE button together, counted to three, and pushed it to record our vote for Barack Obama and Joe Biden, along with a host of other Democratic candidates. I took a picture of the girls just before we voted, but of course I was holding the camera so my finger isn’t in the picture (below). There were also several city-related issues to vote on, and we had a fabulous time pushing the Yes or the No button, depending on the question.

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Upon leaving the polling place, the crowds truly were gone, and so I snapped some pictures admiring the strong Obama support here in my neck of the woods.

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STUFFIES FOR OBAMA!!!!

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Once we’d accomplished our voting, and snapped a few pictures for the sake of history, I dropped off my children at school. There I had an opportunity to vote a second time. This time, not for President but something a lot more fun. Our school is choosing a school mascot for our soccer team. The children came up with two candidates: Raccoon or Panther. The kids have been campaigning for about a week – and school is covered with cute kid drawings of Raccoons and of Panthers. They’ve been going around polling other kids and teachers to find out which mascot is leading in the polls. It seems that Panthers are the projected winner. Carla and Annie are both rabid Raccoon supporters, and I have to admit I let that sway my vote.

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From Carla’s campaign poster: “Who would want to be eaten by their mascot? I wouldn’t! VOTE RACCOON!”

Dear Michelle,

I don’t know if you’ll ever get to read this letter, but after watching your interview with Katie Couric (on YouTube), I felt compelled to write you a letter.

I was really touched and inspired by your open, honest interview. The way you engaged with Couric showed me a strength and determination that I don’t see often in public figures. Your passion and caring for your children comes through everything you do. I identify with you as a mother, and as an American.

Thank you for being willing to share your husband with America. I really appreciate your support of him.

As a wife, I know how much work it is to have a husband with a busy professional life. There are times when I feel the absence of my husband so strongly. It takes a very strong marriage and a lot of help and support to weather even a very busy week. When I consider the sacrifice you are making to help Barack make it to the Oval Office, my respect for you just grows exponentially.

I am just writing to say THANK YOU– for sharing your husband, for being an amazing role model to your daughters, and daughters everywhere, and for having the vision and strength that our next First Lady needs.

I salute you. I support you. I can’t wait to see your family move into the White House!

YES WE CAN!

Your fellow American,

Me