I’ve been a little reluctant to post a new post after that sweet, sweet letter that D wrote me. I just kept coming back to my blog and re-reading it. I know that I am loved. I will be fine. We’ll get through, it, whatever it may be.

Yet life and its insecurities rage on. I don’t know if it’s safe to write about using illegal drugs on one’s blog, no matter how anonymous it is (and this one’s not all that successful at anonymity!) So I am only going to say this: that if I were to be the sort of gal who enjoys a puff or two of a relaxing kind of smoke from time to time when the kiddos are safely put away on their shelves, then now would be a pretty good time to seek such relaxation.

In fact, D and I are both pretty anxious right now. I hadn’t mentioned this before (probably because of denial, shame, or whatever) but we’re being sued by the lovely city of brotherly love. It’s because apparently our accountant made a mistake on our 2001, or maybe it was our 2002, tax returns. It seems that our city taxes were not filed, or not filed properly.

Since I’m someone whose eyes glaze over and ears seemed stuffed with fluff whenever taxes are discussed, I honestly don’t fully get what happened, or when, or why. I just know that our tax situation requires that a (new) professional accountant deal with it. In order to avoid the $5000 fine and being required to appear at a hearing, the city requires that we file (or re-file, if it was filed) no later than three days before the hearing. If we do, the hearing’s cancelled, the $5000 fine is avoided.

The hearing is August 11. When we’re in upstate NY on vacation. Talking to the accountant’s office today, he said they’d get right to it and work on our taxes. Um… please hurry the fuck up, ok? I mentioned to the clerk I spoke with that there’s this little $5000 fine we’re trying to avoid, and the little lawsuit we’re trying to have dropped… and the best he could say is that they’re going to get started on it right away.

Anxiety much? Now you can understand why I might just be interested in something that might take the edge off. Ease the freak-out a little.

I am also anxious about packing for our vacation (remember my little problem with packing for a ONE NIGHT STAY recently? Well how’s about a two week trip to the middle of nowhere NY where you have to drive 30 miles to get anywhere civilized?) I am perhaps equally anxious about preparing for next year and working as the after school teacher at this wonderful little school. It’s like being pregnant in a way. You get to this point where you suddenly remember OH SHIT! I’M GOING TO GIVE BIRTH! AM I READY FOR THIS?

The fact is I am NOT ready. I am far from ready. I also am not feeling ready for the simple daily life functions of getting my kids up daily, dressed, fed and out the door to go to school on time each day. I am not ready to pay my business bills, either. I really need to do much more, or else face serious consequences.

It’s also 11:52 AM and I am not ready to feed my kids their lunch today. I didn’t get them an adequate breakfast, yet, either, though they both ate something.

And here I am just lolling in anxiety to the point where I wonder if it would be a good idea to take part in some kind of relaxing herbal refreshment (what my pals and I sometimes called it when we were teens).

I need to get my shit together. Perhaps the first thing to do is get dressed and go buy some food. I’ll need some snacks later on if I go with the whole herbal refreshment plan, anyway.

Dear Pann,

Just over a month ago, our 10th anniversary came and went, without either of us taking much notice. Oh sure, we knew it was happening, and we wished each other a happy one, and we received well-wishings from families and friends. But on the actual day of our anniversary, I was traveling home from a business trip, you were recovering from two weeks of running summer camp (with a visit from your nieces in the middle), we were getting ready for the onslaught of OT, summer freelance work, Cammie’s trip, and the kids being home all the time, not to mention Carla’s birthday, and we just didn’t have time to celebrate properly.

I’m hoping we can make up for that during our upcoming vacation. I’m doing my damnedest to tie up loose ends before I go away, so we can really enjoy the vacation when it arrives. I’m hoping we can take some time for ourselves during that trip to celebrate:

• 15 years since we met
• 14 years since our first date
• 13 years of living together
• 10 years of marriage
• 8 years of parenthood
• 2 wonderful children

…along with all the other, more mundane aspects of our lives– too many meals, school drop-offs, loads of laundry, doctor visits, and so forth to count.

After all this time, it’s important to say that I love you more than ever. And I think you and I have gotten better and better at having a life together, and understanding where we each are coming from. Our communication has improved. We’ve gotten better at asking each other for what we want. Not to say that we are perfect– we both have our flaws, and they come out most acutely when we are trying to communicate about our feelings. But we’ve gotten better over the years at figuring out how to do this, and I can only see us continuing to get better.

It’s been exceedingly difficult watching you go through the pain of depression. I wish there was some way I could reach into you and take away your pain. My heart bleeds every time I see you struggling with self-doubt, self-blame, and self-hate. I’m confident in you, I forgive you, and I love you– I wish you could do the same.

Our lives are going to continue to change, and it’s clear that figuring out how to make everything work is going to be an ongoing challenge. But after 10 years of marriage, I know I want to keep facing those challenges with you.

Happy anniversary.

All my love,
Drob

I had an anxiety dream about my job that starts in the fall. In my dream, the school year had begun, and I forgot to show up to work. Instead, I tried just picking up my kids and going home. I was greeted by all the kids there at school, who were all hungry and tired from their first day of school. What’s for snack? was the constant refrain. It was then I realized that I was supposed to be their after school teacher.

And I’d kind of forgotten to prepare for that, as I also forgot to show up to the job. I rooted then through the pantry, trying to find some snacks left over from camp. Then I tried to get the kids to do some kind of activity. The hostility from the older kids was intense. They rolled their eyes at me, walked out of the room, snickering behind their hands. It was awful.

When I woke up from this, my heart was beating kind of fast. I realized with a jolt that the summer is halfway gone. What am I doing this summer, I asked myself? My life is so disorganized. I have no structure. I am not taking care of business, and I’m not getting this place ship-shape. I am not planning ahead for the fall.

That dream was a wake-up call. I need to get myself in order. But I feel really stuck, paralyzed. I don’t know what I can do to get out of this feeling of trying to move a mountain. I am just able to get to OT appointments and provide three meals (sometimes just two) to the kids each day.

This is not an easy place to be, mentally. I feel really stuck.

…that cup of ice coffee I enjoyed with dinner.

At some point during the weekend, I came to see everything around me as being at a level of filth that was just intolerable. The house had begun to look and smell like the inside of a car that has been on a cross country trip with four young children. I wondered what kind of mentally ill person was responsible around here, anyway? Who would let themselves live in this fashion? Dishes, piled up… flies were delighted but not me. I suddenly had this flash of shock as I thought about how it must seem to my kids, to live in such a messy place. I think it was getting on their nerves as much as mine, as they frolicked about and teased each other mercilessly.

I have a pretty low tolerance for when they are squabbling. I wouldn’t mind that much, but for the telling. Mom, Annie won’t give me back my half of the silly putty… Mom, Carla bumped me with her head! Mom! Maaaa-ommmm! It makes me say things like “well negotiate with her. Offer her something in exchange. Distract her. And if that doesn’t work, then GO TO YOUR ROOM BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT! Do you need a trip to the ER? No, so why are you trying to get me involved here??” (Mother of the year award coming right up! Sarcasm: just one more service I provide!)

But amid such mess as was our house, the squabbling just kind of fit right in. I found myself recalling information I’d gathered way back in my grad school days– learning about how the environment that a person is in can really shape their behavior. Of course they were going to be miserable in this house in the heat, the awful humidity… with me being busy playing scrabulous washing the dishes and preparing meals

rather than playing with them, and with every surface for play already cluttered with toys, and laundry and quite possibly guinea pig turds.

Something, something, had to pull me out of this squalid existence. It feels like today we suddenly started to really tip the scales and head in the right direction. In fact, it’s been a solid week of chipping away at the dishes, the laundry, and sweeping up, and so forth. D helped a great deal with this long weekend of ours. The weather had a way of helping as well, because today was off and on rainy rather than perfect pool weather, so I didn’t get up to the pool (or my garden).

In addition to doing a bunch of laundry, D came up with an innovative way for us to communicate the things we’d like each other to do over the course of a day. He suggested that we each make a list of three items for the other — it could be anything you want your partner to do for you from Give a Backrub to Mow the Lawn to Put the Kids to Bed to Apply for a New Job. Anything at all. The rules: Only put three things on the list. Expect that 2 out of 3 Ain’t Bad. 3 out of 3 is a pleasant surprise. And 1 out of 3 is Not So Good.

So, I looked around and realized that the huge laundry clutter in our bedroom was really getting me down, and yet I had no desire to sort and put it all away. I put that as one of his 3 things, and lo and behold! He did that task. This then inspired me to further clean up our bedroom, and I swept the room out and cleared out under the bed as well. I would certainly never have done that if the dresser were still cluttered. You see? The environment of my bedroom was paralyzing me from doing anything to improve it, because the dresser was a hurtle that seemed too awful to tackle. My bedroom closet is still a horrible mess and a monolith that I am not sure I can tackle. But with the dresser clear, I feel a little more easy about giving it a try.

D had been wishing I’d cook up a big yummy dinner, with lots of leftovers for him to take to work over the week, so he wrote that on his list. Getting this information early in the day gave me a chance to think ahead: sure, I can cook dinner, I thought. Dinner is important to me, too, and I like cooking. This in turn helped me get focused on grocery shopping, and planning some meals for the week. I ended up making a big pot of curried chicken, a pot of basmati rice, baked BBQ chicken legs, and a big container of salad. I also prepped some things for tomorrow’s dinner.

What tends to happen to Drob and I, is that our creativity kicks in when we have a problem to solve. The novelty of a creative way to handle expectations is very helpful to me. I can deal with small, concrete wishes, written on a piece of paper in a way that I cannot deal with a houseful of chaotic needs ricocheting off the walls.

I don’t know if this will be something we continue long term– it often happens that we have a good system going that Really Works until, that is, it stops working. Then … we try something else.

In my dream world, there are all these Very Clever Solutions to Life’s Problems… I find My Little Ways and teach the secrets to successful and happy living to my kids. I tell them all this Wise and Awesome stuff and they are able to help run the household like a well-oiled machine.

The truth be told, I really hope to someday be able to have some level of organization that I can pass along to my kids. How can I expect them to clean their rooms, or find their shoes, if all around them is a constant whirlwind of chaos? In short, I can’t expect that of them, in that circumstance.

There needs to be a system in place, and it needs to be consistent and simple. And when I forgot to do it, there needs to be a fail-safe way of getting back on target.

So far, though, I don’t have this magic bullet. I just have my creativity, my unreliable energy levels, and a husband who is a lot like me. And I have coffee. That counts for something, as surely I am going to need it in the morning.

Today was Monday.

I keep forgetting that, though. Somewhere over the weekend, I realized that summer is really here at last. So begins what kind of feels like an eternal weekend. There is no school. There is no After School. There is no childcare.

Plus, Cammy is off in Florida doing wild-n-crazy schtuff to celebrate reaching age 21. Plus visiting her mom, and sisters. She’ll be back within 3 weeks, so it’s not that dire or anything.

But anyway, here am I suddenly — going from the high intensity of running camp for two weeks, to the completely different world of being here. And I have no childcare.

I am not a stay at home mom. I never have identified myself that way. I think it’s more apt to say that now that it’s summer it’s my kids who stay at home. Although that is not strictly accurate either.

Today Annie had her first session of occupational therapy, thus beginning a sixty day treatment period, in which she’ll have about three sessions each week. Her therapy is located about 40 minutes away from home (by car). Annie is healthy and developmentally advanced for her age in many ways, but for one. She seems to be a bit delayed in developing her fine motor skills. This is mostly showing up in the way that she grasps a pencil: with her hand in a fist, rather than with her pointer and thumb working together in a tripod.

While she’s quite talented at drawing with this grasp, it’s something of a red flag. Upon getting her evaluated, I was surprised to learn that her “core strength” and “upper body strength” are in need of development. This “laxity” as they call it is one of the reasons that she is so darn flexible (she can put her foot behind her head!).

Luckily the therapy began in the summer: I can’t imagine how I’d ever manage to do this during the school year! It is also reassuring that the therapy is really pretty fun for Annie. I watched today as she got to swing in a big inner tube (working on balance and core body strength), roll on an exercise ball, and color with special shorty crayons. Her therapist was positive and friendly and good at establishing rapport.

Thus begins my summer. I will also be taking my kids to swimming lessons. And I’ll be working in our corner of a community garden, which over the last few weekends Drob and I worked very hard to get started. We still have a good deal of space to add things to, and I’m still in the dreamy phase of “what ELSE is fun to grow” even though at this point, I don’t think I’ll start too much more by seed. Maybe some cukes if the ones I put in two weekends ago still look sad and pathetic. I may have started them (indoors) too early and waited to long to put them in the ground.

Oh yeah, and of course I have a lot of catching up to do with the business that I still run. Clients still send me updates for their websites, and I still have to send out invoices for web hosting and other services, and call people back when they have a question or two. Making return phonecalls is one of the worst challenges, now that the kids are home from school. I just despise making phonecalls when I will be interrupted by squeaky lil ones. I feel terribly unprofessional when that happens, so I often don’t call people back.

Instead, I try to address their message by responding via email. This is not always possible, naturally. I would not be able to do this if the reason for their call is that their email is down. Hah!

Meanwhile, there’s a ton of catching up to do around the old homestead where laundry and dishes and grocery shopping fell completely by the wayside during the two weeks of frenzied day camp activities.

Summer is here, oh yes. Time to relax, garden, do bookkeeping, pay bills, wash clothes, do dishes, cook and clean, mop floors, clean catboxes, organize children’s rooms, generate invoices, go to occupational therapy, and swim lessons, and update client websites.

Summer… that time of year when there’s just nothing to do but sleep late and laze about the house drinking iced tea and eating little cucumber sandwiches.

Oh yea, right, wowser, sure. Forgot to mention that my NIECES are coming to visit me. In about, say, an hour! They were supposed to be dropped off tomorrow but that plan was changed (WITHOUT consulting poor, exhausted me).

Ok, so I have to deal.

I will.

On another topic. Cammy gave me a really cute dress! I was just reading somewhere about how having a nice new dress can make you feel so good.  It’s true!

Here’s me in the dress.  I wore it when D and I went out to see a play last night.

Me, I’m tired. I’m not making much sense … and I have some websites to update tonight. Not happy about this, but I will just have to deal.

I will. Somehow .

OH yeah, and yesterday I was offered the After School Director job for next year. Yay! I’m currently trying to negotiate the terms of it a little bit. I think the whole camp thing is fun, but it’s a full time job, albeit a very short term full time job. I do not feel it’s reasonable to require a part time employee to work full time for two weeks each year, without any additional compensation. I kind of doubt my negotiation will be successful. These folks are a) stubborn and b) broke. The school really doesn’t have much to throw around.

Week 1 of camp is complete, and I think it was successful in virtually every way.  The repercussions of having put such an intense amount of energy into my work this week? Exhaustion, relief, sunburn suntan.

I had a really good assistant, Marta:  a young teacher who has recently trained with one of my favorite teachers at the same school where I’m running day camp.  Marta is a funky and cute young woman with a nose ring. The kind of nose ring that goes through the middle of your nose, as in, between the nostrils.  Yeah, so she’s not only sweet with the kids, but cool, too! It was really nice having her youthful energy, and she’s clearly trained well as I see her mentor’s approach within her teaching.

Alas, Marta can’t return for week 2, and instead I’ll have another parent whom I know come and help out. She’s experienced, too, but the only real drawback is she’ll bring along her two kids as well (just like I do). Her kids are … a handful, shall we say?

But aside from a bit of shopping over the weekend, I feel pretty ready for this second week of camp. Week 1 went well, and there is a core group of kids who will be with us again next week and their behaviors are pretty good and the routine we established seems to work.

Bye-bye pit of tension. Hello exhaustion!

Day 1 and Day 2 of the two-week summer camp that I’m running are over. So far, so good.

I spent most of the weekend shopping for supplies and food, but did get a chance to put cucumber plants into my garden; and I also had the chance to swim which was lovely. The weather is simply beastly!

In fact, it’s been so hot that public schools closed early yesterday and today, due to high heat advisory. My camp, however, is BLESSED with air conditioning in the main classroom, and a hose and kiddie pool out in the shady backyard, so we were able to squeak through without anyone getting overheated.

It has been pretty fun and relaxed; much of my anxiety was relieved once I’d gotten my supplies and readied the classroom. One nice thing about the current set up is that I get to prepare my classroom in advance — that is something I can’t do for the after school program because the room is used for other purposes through the regular school day.

The heat wave is having a negative effect on other parts of my life: who wants to cook or clean in this heat? Thus, the home is rather a mess. But who cares anyway? We are camped out in the air conditioned bedroom. After three days of putting up with the extreme heat, last night D and I decided to go with air this summer.

We’d made it through last summer without using our air AT ALL. Not this year. It seems like it will be an extremely hot summer, if today is any indication.

For now, though, at least I am starting to feel like I can relax a little bit… until Saturday when my nieces come to visit and spend the night! Yikes ! Gotta get this house cleaned up by then!

The whole middle of my body, from somewhere near my ribs down to my belly button feels like its filled with some kind of heavy, dangerous substance. I have to hold myself steady to keep it from tipping out of my in some way. My hair is screwed onto my head. My arms are clenched and ready. My eyes are weary but wary. My heart feels like it is doing a loop-dee-lou, racing around, while I wonder if I should sit or stand, walk or lay down, write this blog post or make a list of things to do.

Anxiety.

I am anxious about the camp I’m supposed to teach in just a few short days. I am not prepared at all. I don’t have the materials for it yet. I don’t have the snacks. I don’t even have all the activities planned. In fact, a lot of people who’d expressed interest in going to camp are now saying their kid won’t come. So I don’t even know if this is going to work for the school, as in financially. Which was a condition of offering the damn camp in the first place.

I have to confess I really don’t think I want to do this. I am really afraid of failing. I’m afraid it will go badly, and then I could really not get the job for next year.

The Personnel Committee has still not met with me to discuss anything about next year; the staff didn’t say peep, either. So day to day (and this is the last week of school: TWO days left of me teaching after school), I am unsure about my future. Will I have this job in the fall? Are they waiting to see if I do well in the camp program before considering me for the job?

They could just decide to tell me that they aren’t going to re-hire me for next year and that they’re doing a new job search and I need not apply. That’s how unsure I feel. That’s how anxious. Pit of Tension in stomach, lump in throat.

AND YET. And yet, tonight I went to the eighth grade graduation ceremony, which was incredibly sweet. I cried a little for each and every graduate, out of the feelings of love so evident in the comments of the parents, friends and staff. This school really is wonderful in so many ways. It feels more like a church than a school; it’s a community of people who share certain values and work together to raise their kids into beautiful people.

The graduation ceremony left NO ONE out. I even got a rose! I was SO shocked to be appreciated publicly, not just once, but twice! One of the parents took great care to acknowledge the after school teachers (3 of them, including me, who ran the program during her children’s time at the school) and to recognized each by name and to thank each of us for giving her kids a safe and comfortable home after school.

And then there was a part of the ceremony where the graduates gave a rose to each current staff member, even office staff, and spoke a sentence or two about the contributions and efforts of each member. Including me. Yes, including me. I was so touched to be included.

I’d been sitting there, in the back row, with tears streaming down my face, overwhelmed with emotion about all the love these kids are surrounded by. When suddenly I heard my name — and was so surprised. I did NOT see it coming at all. It was clear to me that even though it’s been only a few short weeks, I am making an impact on the lives of kids and their families. To be appreciated publicly? That is such an unusual feeling for me– usually I feel I am on the outside looking in, or else hidden from view. Ignored or overlooked, or generally taken for granted.

In spite of the kindness and the inclusion of today, I also sat there watching the other teachers. I sat alone. They all had each other. They are a group, and I am not really a part. They are full time, while my job is part time. They all have staff meetings together: I can’t go to the meetings most of the time, since I am watching the kids in after school. My personality doesn’t do well with feeling left out — I am just not quite secure enough for that.

Plus, apparently with all the people around, I got distracted and must have left the window open in the room where I teach, because one of the lead teachers kind of scolded me about it just before graduation. The school wasn’t empty when I left it to walk over to the other building where graduation was taking place — and this must have distracted me from doing my usual doors and windows check. Figures that the one day I forget, this particularly strong teacher would notice and take the time and energy at graduation to scold me. It left my stomach feeling, well, like it does now.

I’m filled with dread. Do I get to keep this job or not? It is so hard being left in the dark on this issue, with the ambiguity continuing and continuing. And every day that I work in the job, I’m trying to do a good job but I’m also so nervous. I feel like I’m being watched and judged. And camp is the final exam.

There’s so much going on, I want to scream. There are end-of-year potlocks to prepare for, and when will I do that? I have from 9:30 am tomorrow morning, until about 2 PM when I have to head to work to: prepare for two potlocks, buy supplies for camp, buy snacks for camp, plus take care of the usual things I have to take care of. I am overwhelmed and miserable.

And I don’t even know if I’m wanted for this job for next year!

And I’m working for two weeks from 9 am to 5:30 pm FOR NO ADDITIONAL PAY even though I have NO ACTUAL OBLIGATION TO DO SO. But I feel I was pressured into it: If I didn’t do it, they’d have even more reason to NOT re-hire me for next year. So I am trying to be good, and do it, and do it well, and cope and manage it all.

Pit of tension. Super pit.

They Love Me. They Love Me Not. They Love Me. They Love Me Not. Well, what is it?

In spite of the difficulties, I do love my job.

Nevertheless, on days like today, when it’s warm but not hot, and the ground is nice and moist from yesterday’s rain, I would normally have had the leisure time to do some gardening after picking the girls up from school. I would normally be able to be there for them, to get C to do her homework after school, and to get together some dinner for them at a reasonable hour.

This doesn’t happen too well if I am not home after school! I miss being able to cuddle and hang out with my kids in the afternoon. I miss having that extra time at home when I am not scheduled to be working.

It suddenly dawned on me this week that I have two jobs now. Well, three, if you count “Mom” as a job title. No wonder I am feeling kind of overwhelmed. I was struggling to get things done before I was working in the afternoons and early evening. Now I have even less time to do my freelance / business keeping — and it shows. The bookkeeping is in an atrocious state.

There are bills unpaid, late fees, work unbilled… It is not good.

I feel stretched and sad and I’m second guessing myself. Should I really take on this job as After School teacher? Is it worth it? Is my family’s loss of my time and energy in the afternoons and evenings worth the pay I get from teaching? Does my own personal satisfaction with the work make up for the fact that I miss my old life?

I think it does. It is just so hard to adjust. I keep reminding myself that summer is nearly here. Then I’ll have dropped to one fewer job and I will be able to garden and play and cuddle and cook. And work on my business bookkeeping.