Yesterday Drob told me he was concerned that I seemed “out of control.”

Oh, I thought, you noticed?

Only, I don’t know if “control” is the right word. I think maybe slightly out of order might be accurate. I don’t really feel right. I am not getting enough done, perhaps. Or I’m finding myself in these brain loops, my thoughts disorganized and swirl from one topic to another.

Last weekend I also stayed up all night and didn’t even feel tired. I felt perfectly alert and just kept doing housecleaning. I was doing very thorough cleaning. I cleaned WALLS and FLOORS. I scrubbed down places that hadn’t been cleaned, well, ever. I took down a dirty curtain from a window, washed it, was dissatisfied with the result, and then I attempted to dye it red. It came out pink, but I like it anyway.

Was that a manic night? I wonder? I did it because my mom was coming to visit. I did it because my house seemed to be so dingy and dirty. I did it because I was worried about Lucky, and rightly so, since he died a couple days later. I wanted to get my house to a comfortable state.

Now, we’re a few days later. The house is falling apart again. I guess this house really requires a daily vigilance, and for that, I don’t seem to have the where-with-all.

Daily laundry, daily dishes. What I’m doing instead? I’m thinking. I’m reading email. I’m relating to people. I’m thinking and planning for my job working with children. I’m researching projects for the summer camp I’m going to run. I’m wondering how to get more kids to sign up for camp. There’s much to think about– and my internal dialogue sometimes prevents me from getting things done in the real world.

This morning I didn’t feel like taking a shower. I’d taken one yesterday, and still felt perfectly clean. But D wanted me to shower– we used to always shower together. (Most couples do this, right?) I just wanted more sleep. Am I slacking in my hygeine? Is this a depression thing?

My real test for whether I am having bad depression problems is when thoughts of death go through my head. This hasn’t been happening, at least not like it did in the past. I have had fleeting death thoughts, like WHAT IF kind of thoughts, which are not the same as COME HITHER, OH GRIM REAPER or the sad, self-hating kind of I DESERVE TO DIE, I AM A VILE PIECE OF TRASH…. these thoughts have been unwelcome visitors to my mind in the past.

I am glad that I’m not thinking these kinds of thoughts, as they are very upsetting. I am mostly doing pretty well. A few times recently, however, I’ve found the kind of death thought showing up that run along the lines of “Oh, dear, it would be such a SHAME if I couldn’t go to work today, like, if I got run over by a bus because my shoelace was undone and I tripped and the bus driver happened to not notice me…..”

Or, “Gee, I sure hope my kitten wasn’t actually rabid and we didn’t know it…. he did bite me three times. I sure hope I don’t die from rabies. Who would teach in my place?”

These implausible, unlikely, and uncomfortable thoughts of death are quite fleeting. But are they a symptom of my depression worsening? I guess I could ask my doctor. Wouldn’t that be a revolutionary thought?

I just had my birthday recently; now I’m 36 years old. It isn’t one of those big milestone years like 30 or 40, and certainly not worthy of the huge and feisty debauchery that marks one’s twenty-first year. No, it’s just a quiet little nudge toward forty. And I took my quiet little birthday and spent it having my cat’s tail examined at the vet, and then running to see my kids in a talent show (they were awesome!) and then out to lunch and then zoom to work with a small group of kids, some of who are markedly talented at whining. I followed up my evening by having soup for dinner at my inlaws. I felt like collapsing into a heap, and I wanted to simply slip into a deep sleepy oblivion on the couch. Plus my feet hurt, which made me feel OLD.

Now that I am 36 years old, I’ve decided it’s time to really think hard about whether I want to end up wearing a tent for clothing or whether I want to do something now to prevent such a fate.

So as of this morning, I’m on a sugar strike. Which means I’m not eating sweets, except in extremely small amounts and in a furtive and sneaky way. Also: this coming Sunday I’m attending a birthday brunch and I’ll allow myself ONE piece of cake. I also decided that when served things like delicious homemade lasagna, I will be content with ONE piece rather than three; and I’ll have a big heaping salad rather than a token dash of greens.

Another way I’m cutting back on my intake of potentially fattening substances is to eat less of the tasty but high calorie foods I’m used to consuming. Two pancakes, not eight, and with a sprinkle of cinnamon sugar, not a huge pile of syrup. And a very modest smidgen of butter, not two generous pats.

To make up for these smaller portions, I need something yummy and quick. I discovered just the right thing, in my freezer! Yes, frozen peas! They are yummy straight from the freezer. Yup, I eat them FROZEN. They are sweet, cool, refreshing. They boast fiber and protein, and are low calorie.

WEIRD, but hey, if it works? Why not? I am also a big fan of edamame, those green soy beans. They make a tasty snack, but I don’t like them frozen, I like them hot, and with sea salt.

Does anyone else out there have a WEiRD but somehow yummy or satisfying diet food?

I can’t remember a more active, productive, and social weekend than this past one.

I am so tired, and it’s such a Monday.

It was a good weekend, though, and I still can’t understand where I got so much energy?! Saturday morning was a flurry of house cleaning to ready the house for an appraisal, while I shooed the kids outside to play with three neighbor kids. Somehow we managed to at least make the house seem more like average people live here, instead of say, crack addicted squatters. And, how it was possible for me to go out on Saturday night, get a tad lit, and come home at 3 AM… and then rise and shine at 8 AM the next morning, when I brewed some coffee, made pancakes from scratch for my family plus my friend and her daughter who’d slept over to babysit while I was out (thanks!!!!)… and the pancakes were GOOD! They had a choice of plain, apple, banana, walnut, and chocolate chip, or some combo therein.

Then after my friend and her daughter went home, I raced to the food store, did a quick grocery shopping just in time to get home for me to karmic-ly repay for the babysitting, as Annie’s friend Maggie came over for a 6 hour playdate. And it was hot out. We had fun with water play, I can tell you that for sure.

Plus, somehow, before the weekend was out I managed to clean out all the cat boxes, do about 5 loads of laundry and thoroughly clean the guinea pigs cage.

PLUS, I even managed to squeeze in a phonecall to my mom. PHEW!
I am exhausted just thinking about it. I need another weekend to relax, now, please?

If you aren’t a cat person, you might want to just skip this post. It’s boringly about cats.

Somehow, the cat we adopted in January managed to get pregnant. This is a mystery, because our two male cats are fixed, and we have been careful to keep the new cat inside. The plan was to nurse her back to health, then get her spayed. I had an appointment earlier this week, but our vet told me she was pregnant! And due in about two or three weeks!

Seems IMPOSSIBLE. I am really puzzled.

Meanwhile one of my male cats somehow injured his tail, it’s horribly mangled at the tip of it. I took him to the vet this morning; and the really bad news is that the vet thinks he will have to amputate the tip of the tail. Poor kitty! I feel just awful! How could this happen?

A part of me is saying I should get a second opinion on the pregnant cat and on the tail amputation. I mean, all this worry and what if he’s wrong? Suppose the cat is not pregnant? And we’re all hyped up over nothing? And suppose there is a way to save my other cat’s tail?

But it costs a lot of money to go the vet, and this is a vet we’ve known and trusted for a long time. So why would I doubt his opinion? I guess it’s because logic dictates that two fixed male cats can’t impregnate a female cat, no matter how much she yowls when she’s in heat. And oh boy, did she yowl and stir up a fuss. And she’s stopped being in heat, now that she’s pregnant. So I shouldn’t doubt it.

Besides, if she’s pregnant, that will be confirmed by the birth of kittens, so we could just wait and see.

I don’t like living with uncertainty. I want to know what’s coming. I am unhappy when I have to wait and see.

There are other things going on in life right now, and in no particular order, here’s a list. Not for you (we’ve already established this is a dull post, okay?) but for me. I just want to get this out there, boring or not. Things going on:

- house refinancing so appraiser coming tomorrow, must tidy up. A lot.
- there’s all this spare furniture on the front porch. Ugh. So cluttered. And with boxes of crap, too. UGH!
- there’s a mountain of laundry
- I’m hungry
- I had a cup of coffee so far today, and that’s all. It was weak. Ugh.
- There’s a house warming party tomorrow night for some of our Child-less Friends. Hanging out with them is probably going to be fun, but somehow looking forward to it is depressing me.
- Carla’s room smells bad. Perpetually. Some kitty peed in there; the carpet needs to go; plus she still is wetting the bed pretty often. So there’s a lot of bad smell. I feel horrible about that.
- It’s supposedly going to be HOT this weekend. I don’t want that. It will make all the bad smells worse, I guarantee.
- There are bills to be paid.
- I need stamps. Why should it be so freaking annoying to get some freaking stamps?
- By now, I’m REALLY hungry.
- I’m tired, too.
- What a sucky morning.
- The cat litter boxes are P.U.
- UGH. Just, UGH.

It’s here, my week off from work. But I don’t feel happy and relaxed. I feel stressed and pressed for time. I have a bunch of things that I would like to do, and I don’t know where to begin. At the same time, I want to curl up under the blankets and nap all day. At the same time, I want to go see 3 films today, it’s the last day of the Philly Cine Fest. And there’s approximately 75 loads of laundry that need to be done. Because Carla has no clean pants to wear. She’s literally walking around the house with nothing on her lower half. And it is chilly. We had HAIL earlier for dog’s sake. And we’re out of cat food. And there’s meat in the fridge that needs to be cooked into something. And there’s a pile of dishes the size of Miami in the sink. And the living room needs painting. And the garden needs tending. And there are accounts to be balanced. And. And. And. And.

And the kids say I should make crafts with them. And go to the zoo. And. And. And.

And I have my period. And I’m out of tampons.

We’ve decided Enough is Enough!

We’re moving to a small farming community in a rural area. Our new community is cooperatively raising chickens and ostriches for meat. We’ll be helping to grow an all-organic garden for the family’s consumption. I’ll be home schooling the kids, but mainly they’ll be schooling themselves along with the other children who live on the communal property. There are about 5 families already doing this who have kids close in age to Carla and Annie.

Reading books and doing hands-on projects around the farm will be their education. We’ve simply had it with the complexities of life in the city, and dealing with education in a school environment. We’re tired of the daily grind, running around, with meetings at work and school.

Done! We are done with all, and we look forward to our future life of simple, hard work.

Code red — high likelihood of parental freak out.

Oddly enough, it’s the squeakiness of my left shoe, that seems to be irking me the most. I’m not at all flustered by the play dates, only mildly disturbed by the massive pile of dishes (oh HAI, dishes, you back again?! %^?!@@#!). I’m just a little bugged by the kitty in heat who makes a lot of those little eeping and beeping noises, and who keeps stepping on my hands as I try to write this blog post. The fact that she’s a stinky little cat doesn’t bother me, and it’s rather cute the way she demands physical affection constantly.

But my shoe. UGH. My Damned Left Shoe!

You see, I’m a very weird woman, this much my friends all know (and hopefully love, for the most part). I pretty much wear the same shoes and the same (style, size) jeans every day. (I have about 8 pairs of the same damn jeans). My shoes are Dr. Martens, and I love them dearly. But OH NO!!! I have worn out the bottom of my left shoe, and it has a little hole which leads to the air pocket (Air Wairs! Yay!), and that air pocket goes Squish, Squish every time I step with it.

I hate shoe shopping. (another sign that I am not a normal woman, right?) So I usually shop online for shoes and have them shipped to me. After all, I always buy the same brand, same size, so not a big risk. But you know what??? GRRR! I can’t seem to find the right shoes for me. Even the internet is against me.

And as I walk around trying to get things done around here (and there is MUCH to do), Squish, Step, Squish, Step…. UGH. I am going nuts from this.

Watch out world, the entropy level of the Pann household has hit an all time high, and the sound of doom goes Squish.

UGH! So much anxiety lately, so little posting to the blog.

Yesterday I actually spent about three hours working on a self-evaluation document for work. I hate how much anxiety I feel about my job. I love the job itself, especially when things go well. I’ve been doing this job for over a year now, and yet I still don’t feel relaxed at work.

Part of the problem is the work environment. I feel like I am being covertly judged by the other staff members at all times. I feel as if they don’t like what I am doing but won’t say what it is that they want me to do differently. I feel like every staff member has a different opinion, a different set of rules. Each teacher’s rules are fine for them to use, but not mine. It’s very uncomfortable, this sense that all is not right with the job.

And yet, when I sat down and wrote up my own self evaluation, I think I have been doing a very good job. If you look at the facts: kids are happy and safe. Parents — with perhaps one or two exceptions — are happy on the whole.

So what I suspect is that I am just insecure, and that other teachers are by and large NOT unhappy with my work. Again, with a notable exception. It’s crazy, but true — having one vocal critic can really undermine my sense of confidence.

I am not about to say to them that they can’t do things their way. Although I am sometimes tempted to do so. What pisses me off is that they seem to be saying that every teacher gets to have their own way of doing things, except that MY way happens to be wrong.

It’s hard to develop confidence when there is nobody helping you reinforce your decisions. When I try to find out what the rules are, I’m told that you have to make up your own. That seems really, really stupid to me, but I am game to make up my own rules if that’s what is wanted.

Except that I HAVE my own rules and certain people come along and give me a hard time because my way of doing things, my style, and my rules aren’t apparent to them.

One of these people told me recently that she doesn’t care about her evaluations because she doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her. She says she knows she’s bitchy and so what? If she’s bitchy to someone, it’s because they deserved it. Nice attitude, huh?

If I could try to cop that kind of attitude, what would it sound like? Here’s a fantasy conversation:

Bitchy Staff Member: Pann, OMG, you CAN’T let the kids DO that!
Me: Says who? I’m the teacher here. BUTT OUT!
Bitchy Staff Member: I would never allow that! This is ridiculous!
Me: Get out of my classroom, I don’t give a shit what you would allow or not allow. This is my group. Bugger off, bitch!

Hmmmm…… maybe I should try that!

… I’ll manage a mixed age group of kids for nine and a half hours straight. This is tomorrow, after such a long day today.

Today I drove a total of 270 miles to visit my mom and return home again the same day. Actually my brother & his family were visiting my mom, too. Because my brother lives about 10 hours away, I don’t see them all that often. It was only logical that we make the drive up to visit with them.

I got to finally meet my nephew. Oh sure, I’ve met him before, but never as a Talking Person. He was always a baby or toddler on previous visits, but now he’s just the cutest little boy I have ever met. He has big blue eyes and blond hair. I complimented his parents on how adorable he is, and how much I liked his haircut. My brother thanked me, as is polite in our culture, but my sister in law mumbled something about how he needs a haircut.

My sister-in-law is a really poorly socially-adjusted misfit who is intentionally rude and dislikes me and my mom intensely. She won’t make eye contact, she won’t talk at all directly to either me or my mother. (Or my dad, when she’s visiting him, by the way.) She either says nothing, or else talks obsessively and endlessly (to my brother, not me or my mom, but in front of us) about things that are not really good conversation with anyone else. (Examples: the technical aspects of what makes a saint a saint; minor differences in various branches of Catholicism; what her brother said about some pizza he once ate; etc.)

For a long time, I just thought she was weird. Later on, I thought she just disliked me. Then I came to think she was a rude bitch. Then I thought maybe she has some kind of psychological disorder. I thought and searched and tried to figure this out. I kind of decided on Asperger’s. Now I’m thinking that really makes it sound like I think people’s with Apsbie’s are unbearable. That’s probably unfair to the people who have Asperger’s.

So here’s my internet bloggie friends question: Anyone know what untreated, unmanaged Asperger’s in adults looks like? Does this sound familiar to you? I really don’t know anyone like my sister-in-law. Frankly, that’s a good thing.

But the real question is WHY does my brother put up with her.

They’re having another baby, which we found out through Facebook (SIL is friends with my mother, apparently because my brother “made” her accept the friend request). This whole visit I could totally tell that SIL is pregnant– she is fat in that round kind of way. But NOT ONCE was this information shared directly with me, so I didn’t say anything. I’m not friends with SIL on Fb, and believe me, I am actually NOT interested in changing that fact. I can’t stand the woman. She can’t stand me either.

She still maintains that Obama was actually born in Kenya. (me: “Oh, I didn’t know Hawai’i was part of Kenya.”) She is a bitter defeated Catholic Republican Palin supporter! She makes my skin crawl for this and many, many other reasons. WHY oh WHY did my brother get involved with this whack job?

Fortunately, they do have some cool kids. I really adore my nephew. AND his adorable hair. My nieces are getting really big. Both of them have been struck by puberty– they are kind of chunky and that is probably driving them more quickly through the maturation process. We had a nice enough visit today; none of the wailing, screaming, biting or scratching kind of fighting was to be seen.

Did I mention how taken I am with my nephew!!!??? OMG what a cute kid. He’s by far the cutest of their kids. I wonder whether they are having a girl or a boy this time. Not like I could ask, since I don’t even know she’s pregnant, since THEY HAVEN’T TOLD ME YET.

Sigh. Well tonight it’s getting late and I’m tired. I have much to do tomorrow. My kids don’t know it but they are staying home in the morning. Cammy will be home, as she was let go from her job not long ago. If they want to join me at school, Cammy will bring them over. I was going to have them come with me for this marathon childcare day, but if they don’t have to, then I think that’s better. I think they deserve a day off, don’t you?