I’m writing this post as I listen to the moving acceptance speech of my city’s newly elected mayor. This man is incredible.

“Even here, in Philadelphia, we can make this city better,” he just said.

“I believe in a place called hope, but I also believe in a placed called Philadelphia.” Great stuff! I sure hope he really will live up to his fine speech.

I’m sitting here at the computer when I should really be in the kitchen getting lunches prepared for the girls to take to school tomorrow.  I’m having some kind of crazy paranoia that I’m pregnant when it’s utterly unlikely.  I am trying to decide if I should run to the pharmacy just to get a test and pee on it and see no extra line show up to set my obviously addled brain at ease. On the other hand, maybe I should just get my butt into the kitchen and pack up some lunchies.

Here’s the top ten reasons why I’m not, just can’t be, really and truly, I am not pregnant.

10. My weight gain is easily explainable via the huge quantities of halloween candy that I’ve eaten.

9. I feel nauseated because of the huge quantities of halloween candy that I ate. And all the other crap I ate, too.

8. Having cajun catfish and greenbeans for dinner is quite sensible. But it doesn’t really go with those gummy fruit snacks, seaweed rice crackers, roasted pumpkin seeds, and hot homemade applesauce. All these things are yummy in and of themselves but…

7. At least I can honestly say my breasts are not tender. Much. I’m imagining this. Really I am.

6. I have given away all my maternity and baby clothes. Cuz I’m done, man. Really.
5. My waistline’s not swelling; my jeans just shrank in the dryer.

4. Sure, in the past I only liked peanut butter when pregnant, but people’s tastes just change sometimes. It doesn’t imply that they are busily generating a new lifeform inside of them!

3. I haven’t had sex. Much.

2. I have a copper IUD. Very effective, these things.

1. I haven’t missed any periods!  EVERYONE knows that you CAN’T have a period and still be pregnant. Right? Right?