I have been really debating with myself lately about what the best way to handle my younger niece’s temper tantrums.  This niece, J, is 8 years old, the daughter of one parent whose personality lies somewhere within the autism spectrum and another parent who is severely depressed. She’s the middle child in her family. I’ve observed that she has food issues, self esteem issues, and frequently becomes extremely upset, sometimes in a very irrational way.  At the slightest word that she perceives as a tease or unfair or a threat to something she wants to eat, she sulks, or screams and cries, and has what I would call a temper tantrum.

For example, today we went to an ice cream shop for treats, an unplanned necessity because we were all so unbelievably hot.  At the ice cream shop, there was a water cooler which offered free ice water to the customers. While we sat in the shade, munching our ice cream, one the kids began to get the idea to get a little cup of water and pour it on one’s head to cool off.  Much silliness ensued, with everyone tossing a little water at one another.  At one point, J tossed a cup of ice water straight down the back of my skirt; I retaliated by sprinkling her with water. She sulked and cried, and complained that she didn’t want her shirt to get wet, even though she had been laughing and participating with everyone in the game.  At her response to having been splashed, I called a halt to the game and told everyone that there was to be no further splashing of other people.  A short while later, J complained that she was hot and told me she was mad at me, because she didn’t get to get wet. But, J, I said, you did get wet, see where your shirt still is wet? Remember how you said you were mad at me for splashing you? “No you didn’t” she screamed at me, “nobody got me wet at all!!!” she wailed.

Read on for a detailed description and analysis of this child’s behavior; if you happen to be familiar with some of these behaviors, I really welcome your insights and suggestions. Please leave a comment or contact me via email pann at thisexaminedlife.com. Thanks!

Similarly, I was taking pictures of the kids, and she turned her head the other way and pouted, saying “I don’t want any pictures taken of me!” I tried to coax her to let me get a snapshot with her and her sister, and my two daughters, but she would not co-operate. Five minutes later, she asked me to let her see the pictures on the camera. Clicking through the digital images, she began to wail once again. “You didn’t take any pictures of me!” she cried, sobbing. “Why aren’t there any pictures of me??” In fact, I HAD taken pictures of her.  There were some which were just the back of her head, and some where she looked extremely put out, annoyed and unhappy, but the pictures DID exist.  When I scrolled to the best (albeit unhappy) picture of her, I showed her the picture. “See, I did take your picture, that’s you right there.” To which she responded, “No, it isn’t,” and continued to cry.

Now, this kind of irrational tantruming is nothing special for a three year old. Kids of that age don’t really quite know reality from fantasy, and they make up weird stuff all the time. It can be delightful when it’s not a tantrum. But an 8 year old doing this? It strikes me as very odd.

I’ve also heard her doing quite a bit of what a therapist might call “negative self-talk”. For example, she’s called herself clumsy, stupid, and fat. This suggests to me that she feels negatively toward herself.

At the same time as she can be quite difficult (as described above), she also is frequently very eager to earn approval. She’s likely to go out of her way to share food (hmmm… food again) and also pretty agreeable to be helpful in general. She’s a smart kid, cute and bubbly, but with this strange and terrible set of behaviors.

So in light of all this, I am trying to decide on the very best tactic to take with her.  I ask myself:

• Is this limit-testing behavior?
• Is this normal for an eight year old?
• Is this child in need of professional psychological help?
• What can I do to best help this child while she’s in my care (3 more days only)
• And what can I do to help her once she’s out of my care?

To some degree, she seems to be testing the limits of my patience.  I think that she’s finding it very hard to believe that I don’t want to yell at her when she misbehaves. I consider adults yelling at kids to be misbehaving themselves; when I lose my temper (rarely) and yell at a kid then I know it’s me who needs a time out.  I know that J’s mother screams at her a lot– I’ve seen her do it– and I think J might be feeling like having a mother figure scream at her is a normal part of life. Though it’s a very unpleasant and confusing part of her life, it is probably what feels normal to her.  So perhaps in an unconscious way, she is trying to evoke a more “normal” mother treatment from me.

I am not well versed in the behavior of eight year olds.  Anybody want to fill me in as to whether the irrational flip-flop is common at that age? It seems to me that she feel angry and hurt a lot; and doesn’t need much reason to express it.  That is what depression often feels like to me; like a burning knot in my chest, a feeling that others despise me; and it is easy to get confused about the facts of a situation because the emotional timbre is so high.

I do think this child would really benefit from psychological help. I believe she may be suffering from childhood depression.

I’ve decided that the best thing I can do for J while she’s in my care is give her extra attention (especially when she is not misbehaving) and demonstrate a great deal of understanding and  love for her. Having recently read the Five Languages of Love, I have considered what channels might work best to get through to this kid that her aunt loves her.  I decided to try to use all five modes: Words, Touch, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Quality Time. Though this book is written to help couples save their marriages, these love languages need not be restricted to a couple’s dynamics. They are basic components of human love, in all its complexity and glory.

For words, I praise her genuinely whenever the opportunity arises (which she usually contradicts — ie, “wow, you have such nice neat handwriting!”– “no I don’t”). For touch, I give hugs, brushed her hair, pat her on the back, and held her hand when we were walking in the big city. I bought her a Webkinz (yeah, yeah, I know, but I’m just as addicted as the kids are). I have been cooking and cleaning all week; she loves my homemade pesto.  And it has been hours and hours of quality time. Just talking and hanging out while playing the pool, playing computer games together, taking her to the beach.  These are all ways that I’m showing her that I love her.

The last question is the hardest though. What about when she’s no longer in my care? This young tender soul, so obviously hurting for attention and love, going back to that household filled with stress and a mom who screams at her? It breaks my heart to think of it, but that is her family and she belongs to them.  At least now she will leave my care with a small fluffy Webkinz cat, and I hope, some happy memories of a week spent with her cousins’ family. If my insane sister-in-law allows it, perhaps she will be able to come visit us again, and over time, she can learn something of a family life that supports and accepts her, tantrums and all.

I pause here, and stop. My greatest dilemma is that I have virtually no relationship with my brother, and his wife has little or no respect for me or my opinions. I want to tell him that I’m concerned about J’s mental health, but I don’t know how it would be received.  I would hate for my feedback to make him feel that I am criticizing him or J personally. I also would fear that J would receive some kind of backlash from her parents for having misbehaved while visiting us. If only I had some kind of clear relationship to my brother, then I could possibly broach this subject; the fact is, he and I have only grown more distant and distrustful over the past 11 years since he began his own family life. So the dilemma is, how can I help J?

If I start with First, Do No Harm… then I convince myself to say nothing to my brother, for I don’t trust that my words won’t cause harm. On the other hand, if J is depressed, and saying nothing leads to her not getting treatment, and her emotional health worsens because of my silence, then I’ve done harm by failing to say something.

I don’t know what the right thing to do is.