THEY OFFERED ME THE JOB!

I am kind of shaky with excitement and uncertainty. While this job represents quite nearly a perfect fit with my interests, values, experience, creativity, and education, there still is one thing holding me back from taking it right off the bat.

That’s right, it’s Annie. My little bundle of wonder, my spitfire, my acrobat, my young one whose life revolves around me dropping her off and picking her up, cuddling, snuggling and watching TV… with me.

The job as offered to me included a very fair compromise concerning my young daughter.  That would be to begin the job without her in tow, so that I might be better able to establish relationships with the kids who come to the program. Then, after about a month, they would be okay with me bringing her with me to the program no more than three days out of the five. Like I said, it’s a fair compromise; and much more than I expected them to agree to off the bat.

If I take the job, I’ll need to have someone else pick her up from pre-school and hang on to her until 6 PM five days per week. This amounts to twelve and half hours less time with her each week for a month. Who will watch her? How will she feel about this? Will she miss me? Will she be cranky? Needy? Want me to sleep in her bed every night? Not want to go to school? Regress?

If you think I’m a worrywart, I guess you are right. I take this mom gig very seriously.  In my heart of hearts, I did not think that I would get offered this job. Sure, I’m perfect for the job. But I’m not the only person in the world who is good with kids… So I interviewed confidently, and felt good about it, thinking I was safe in my world of self-employment during school hours and Motherhood the rest of the time.

The truth is motherhood really is all the time, every day, around the clock and always. It doesn’t stop just because your hands are no longer crusty with play dough and you’re wearing a nice blazer, and the kids are safely elsewhere.

I have been very careful to not think about my kids while they are at their appropriate locations during the school day: hand picked, carefully screened places where I know and trust their caregivers and feel they are being properly nurtured and taught.

I think the reason I am freaking out right now is that I don’t have anywhere suitable for Annie to go, and I don’t know what she’s to do. The job starts in about three weeks (another surprise, I’d thought it would start in March). How am I supposed to come up with a good solution for her happiness and well-being from 3:30PM to 6:00PM from Monday to Friday as soon as that?

Time to talk to the grandparents, and see where that takes me. I can’t give up. There MUST be a way for Miss Cutie Pants to be okay, and have me take the job, too.

The other thing worrying me about taking this job is, did you guess it yet? THE OTHER MISS CUTIE PANTS, my darling seven year old wonder girl. This child isn’t really that keen on having to stay at school til 6 PM every day until the end of the school year, either.

What was I thinking, applying for a job like this, when there’s so much potential for making my children unhappy? Did I really think I could provide them with a fun and educational group experience for twelve and a half extra hours each week, that would replace their prime comfortable sit around at home, eating popcorn, watching TV and playing with their toys time?

Clearly this is something I need to consider.

I wonder if Great Grandma would like to come to my house and hang out with my kids for a few hours each week. I wonder if Grandpa would like to pick up the girls and take them to his house once or twice a week. I wonder if recurring playdates could be had with friends nearby. I wonder, wonder, wonder if I could clone myself and make life that much better for my family.

It feels so unfair that I have to make all these extra arrangments and have all this extra guilt and weight on my shoulders.  Just to get a freaking part time job doing something I’d love.

If I never had kids, I’d never have reached this same point in my life. If I’d never had kids, I wouldn’t understand how important a good after school program really is. If I’d never had kids, I would not be even half as wise as I am now.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d not be nearly as qualified for this job.

If I didn’t have kids, my heart would not feel so sore right now, trying to find a way to make this work.

The fact is that I’m making some compromises here, and no matter how well I handle it, the result is less time with me for my kids. That means that love and nurturing that they receive will have to be supplemented somehow by someone else.

How can I ask them to let me take this job? To give up twelve and a half hours of mom-time? Or, at very least, to share that time with a group of other children?

Today I sat and watched while C and A attended a circus arts class. The teacher’s son is in the class, too. He vied for his mom’s attention throughout the class, by pushing in front of other kids, running around, speaking out loudly at every opportunity, and demanding special treatment and attention. The class was not harmed by this, but I could tell he was getting under her collar.

I don’t think my children would behave that way in the after school program, but I can imagine times when it might get quite trying for me. Annie, especially, gets pretty worn out and sleepy by the end of the day, and likes to veg out watching PBS kids programming.

How can I take this job and still make sure my kids are getting everything that they need?