more on my sister, Jennifer
Posted: February 16, 2008 at 6:00 pm by pannAbout a month ago, I wrote Jennifer a long, hand-written note telling her about my dad, his reasons for allowing her to be lost from his life, though it hurt him. I let her know how precarious his health status is. I explained how badly he wished he could see her again someday.
As time passed, began to think she’d decided that it was all a hoax, or that it was all too difficult. Perhaps, I worried, I’d done the wrong thing to barge in on her life and make such strong suggestions that she make an attempt to connect with her bio father and with me. I have wanted to find a way to fill this emptiness of the unknown sister. I’ve seen how much my father has suffered over his guilt, his regret.
I am a parent. I know what it is to love one’s child. Jennifer is a parent, too. I would think she’d have this same insight into the depth of feeling that one has for one’s child. This feeling doesn’t go away. I know it never went away for my dad, even though he relinquished her to be raised by his ex-wife and her new husband. Nothing can change that decision, or his loss of knowing her for her life. But knowing her now would heal him in a way. I think it would somehow relieve his ache, if he could see that she is really fine.
Enter me and my mad internet searching skillz. I barged in, tracked the lady down, and called her. Wrote her email and letters. My mind filled with What If this and What If that.
Never did I think the response would be what it finally was, today, in my email.
Jennifer wrote to me the following message:
Dear Pann, Thanks for the note. I’ve been trying to think/construct the thoughtful response it deserve.
Some people can write so eloquently, for me it is an agonizing process. First, you are a truly beautiful person to want to do this for your dad and I. I am thankful that you found me and we will have the opportunity to know each other!!!!!
Next, your dad should not feel any regret over what he did. I do not hate him or have any baggage regarding the situation.
Rather I know and have always known that all involved did what they did out of love for me and doing what they felt was in my best interest. I have respect for my father for having to make that hard decision.
Today blended family are the norm but back then the term didn’t even exist. My life turned out exactly the way it was intend to turn out with a happy childhood and a great mom and dad. This is true because of the sacrifice of our father, who I am sure was a great dad to you.
I am happy with the way things are. I do not feel the need to fix anything because nothing is broken. I am sorry but I don’t feel like I need to meet and reconnect with my father. I just feel at this time to leave things as is. Please know my family (the whole blended newly realized conglomerate) is in my thoughts and prayers. I pray I have the done the right thing and your opinion of me hasn’t waned.Please keep in touch and I hope all is well.
God Bless,
Jennifer
This was not what I expected. I can’t imagine finding out that someone so closely related to me is still alive, still cares, and wants to connect with me, but deciding against it.
She’s happy with the way things are. Yes, but what about my dad? He is heart broken and always will be. She, and she alone, could ease that pain just by making one phone call. Just by saying to him what she said in the email - that she understands and bears him no ill will. That alone would go so far.
I don’t judge her harshly for making this decision. But maybe I do judge her a little. I just can’t ever see myself handling such a situation in that way. I am by nature very, very curious. I would want to know more, even if it was difficult. Life could only get richer from knowing one more father. Life could only be sweeter, knowing there’s one more soul in the world that feels just a little lighter, for having its emptiness slightly replenished.
I believe that whenever we reach out and give a little more than we are required, we get back so much more in return. Kindness is multiplied. Joy begets joy. Spread love, because it’s a renewable resource. This paragraph sounds unbearably corny, but there you have it. My philosophy of life in a nutshell.
I am confused by her note, too. She does say that she and I “will have the opportunity to know each other.” So she’s not closing the door on our relationship continuing. Yet I feel so strange to get to know her, but know all the while that she is not interested in knowing my father. When he dies, she will lose that chance forever. I will mourn him while she will continue not knowing the person that we had lost.
Can sisters of one father be so different? Of course. We are only half sisters, and raised in separate families and in different places. Oddly enough, she was raised in a different county in the same state as me - not that long of a drive away. How hard would it have been, to have allowed a visit or two!?
She is not to blame for that, of course. But whoever felt that a child should not know her father — just because she has a new one — that person is so wrong. She’s right though, that such blended families were not considered normal or healthy back then. How different today’s world is!
I am far from reconciled with this news. I am just reacting to it now for the first time. I received her message less than an hour ago, and decided that writing about it might help me.
That’s another way that she and I are quite different. For her, writing is difficult and agonizing, whereas for me it’s another form of breathing, and something I might just perish without. For her to have put together a note to me, I am sure it took a great deal of thought and effort. I need to respect that.
All in all, though, I confess that I am very sad about her decision. I am trying to restrain myself from arguing with her. How alienating would that be, to have this pesky little sister come on so strong, out of the blue, demanding, wheedling, begging! And yet… part of me feels like I should argue with her, and persuade her to change her mind because it’s just so important to me, to my dad. I feel like I can’t connect with her if this is how she wants to leave things with dad. I feel a sense of anxiety, impending doom. This man is not going to live very long! Then it will be too late! Then I will have to live with the knowledge that I didn’t do everything in my power to convince her to give him this scrap of herself. A phonecall. A note. An email. Something, for crying out loud.
I am struggling with this. Who is to say, what the right thing to do is? Perhaps I should have just given my father her address and phone number and let him do with it, whatever he wished. I didn’t think of that, though. I thought the easiest way to get to know her was to call her, and let her know about contacting her dad. I thought for sure she’d take that information, sleep on it, and then wake up ready to add another relative into her life.
Instead, I ended up adding another layer of separation between them - now I know that she doesn’t want to connect with him. What if he’d just called her that night, instead of me? Did I make things worse? I am really unsure. This is hard, and sad, in such unexpected ways.
Posted in Parenting, Personal, Family Life, Divorce | 
February 16th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
I see it more her way, although I think she’s kinder than I would be, to see him in such a good light. The way I would see it, as a parent, is that I wouldn’t ever leave my children. I wouldn’t even really care about what was “best”–I wouldn’t leave them. Possibly that would be the wrong decision, but I really don’t care, I’m not leaving them. I don’t think I can emphasize that strongly enough: there is no situation where I would consider it “the right thing to do” to disappear from their lives. That is what I feel, as a parent.
And so if my parent left me, I would likely be done with that relationship. She is at the upper end of things by feeling okay with it and considering him to have done the right thing. Her forgiveness of him, and her saying that she’s undamaged by it and doesn’t have any baggage, and her saying that nothing is broken, shows tremendous kindness and understanding. I think a lot of people would feel differently about it than she does.
Perhaps she would allow you to pass on to your dad the wonderful things she said, to rest his mind if he’s worried he damaged her by leaving her. I think you can rest easy about the rest of it: this is between him and her, and it’s not your job to reconcile them. You’ve done a wonderful thing so far by reconnecting with a sister, but now I think you have to let her make her own decision, just as your dad made his own decision.
February 16th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Pann,
What a dilemna.
If they’re both too scared to reach out to each other (and it sounds to me like that’s what’s going on) you can’t force them, even though I know you want to give this gift to your father now that his life is almost over. Maybe you could simply print out her email and send it to him and see if he wants to try harder by himself?
And it’s not too surprising that you feel a bit alienated from your sister and disappointed in her. Isn’t that the way everybody feels about their sibs, to varying degrees? Compare it to how you feel about the brother you grew up with.
FWIW, I think you’re doing a great job so far navigating this new relationship.
February 17th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Swistle,
You may not recall the backstory on this: Jennifer’s mother had re-married and wanted her first husband (my dad) out of the picture. He was in a union job that went on strike, and could not continue to make timely child support payments. He had another child and another one on the way to support. He was told he had to pay up or relinquish his parental rights. He could not pay. If he didn’t relinquish parental rights, he could go to jail.
There are many situations that could cause a person to lose their contact with their own children. They are unlikely to ever happen to you, but just imagine. You’re in a war zone. You’re arrested and separated from the kids. A dictator says he’ll kill the children if you ever contact them again. Or, you are deported, live in chains and have no way to contact them. You get my drift. I think you need to consider the circumstances rather than jump to hasty judgement. It is hard to see things from other peoples’ perspectives, when they lived in very different times and had different issues than your own.
That said, I too, can’t imagine ever allowing my children to be taken or lost from me. If I’d been forced into my father’s shoes, I would have been on her doorstep the day she turned 18 to try to re-establish contact and offer her my help and support at very least. Or I’d have tried to re-negotiate things once I had money again.
I am not saying my father is blameless in his choices or his actions or that I would do that same. I’m just saying I have a really hard time accepting her decision in this case, given that she doesn’t have any baggage concerning her bio father.
February 17th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
TBH - thank you.
It is funny that I’ve spent a lot more energy trying to get in touch with the sister I never knew than trying to maintain a relationship with the brother I grew up with.
I will think about that.
February 17th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Wow, what a post. Sometimes when you plant a seed, it takes a long long time to grow. Maybe she needs to sit on this idea for awhile?
I certainly empathize with both of you.
February 18th, 2008 at 3:38 am
Pann, my heart aches for you. I tend to look at things very much the same way you do, i.e., if I found out that a relative that was lost to me for whatever reason wanted to reunite, to whatever extent, I would find it impossible to ignore. I have felt that way with old boyfriends, childhood friends…I guess I value each person in my life, no matter how they come in and out of it…
I was sad to read your sister’s response. I so very much don’t understand. But I did have some thoughts such as “she says there’s no baggage,” but maybe that’s not completely true. Perhaps in some way, she has worked things out in her mind in such a way as to be able to accept the situation with her dad, and by getting in touch with him, a lot of ideas would have to be rearranged or questioned. Some people just aren’t up to that, especially if it took her time to come to the conclusions that she has.
Also, though, don’t give up hope. I tend to side with Mamageek on that one. Maybe after she lets things sink in, and take root, she’ll change her mind. I know your dad doesn’t have a lot of time to wait around for her to change her mind, but I think that’s the best thing you can hope for right now. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink, you know?
My brother and I are very different, too. I often find it difficult to see how we could be related, as in so many ways we are polar opposites. It’s sad that your dad might not get to see your sister in this life, but you have honestly done the best you could. If you go too far, you could ruin things forever, so I think you should just be gentle with all involved and hope for the best….but (in all honesty) I feel like calling your sister up and arguing with her, too….I’ve found that is not always the best approach, LOL
February 18th, 2008 at 9:14 am
[…] bookmarks tagged precarious more on my sister, Jennifer saved by 4 others Light090682 bookmarked on 02/18/08 | […]
February 18th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Maybe her response has more to do with how it might affect her current relationships with the parents who raised her (possibly)? My dad turned his back on my little sisters and now that they are adults he’s refused to have anything to do with them. His new wife ‘forbids’ it - so to maintain his current peace, he’s foregone relationships with (all of) his children. I can’t fathom that.
I with the others who suggest showing your dad what she wrote, maybe that will give him some peace.
Maybe your sister will change her mind - the fact she wants to keep in touch with you must mean something - she isn’t turning her back on everything.
kim
February 19th, 2008 at 12:49 am
I will try to be short. She has likely spent a lot of time coming to terms with her life as it is. If she is happy and at peace with herself, then I fully understand her desire to keep things as they are.
In my family there are more adopted than born. I understand that some people view adoption as something lesser than the bonds of birth, but others view it as it legally is defined: The termination of one parenthood to be replaced by another. Some others see shades of grey here, but it’s all a matter of perspective. To her, your dad is not her real dad. I am sorry that this causes you pain, since you love your father, your own misgivings here are understandable.
She has a lot to consider, she loves her father, and if she connects with your dad, she may be hurting him, or his family. That’s only one small thing, there are so many aspects. Do not take it personally, she is just protecting herself and her family… just as you are trying to protect yours.
February 19th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Like Lisa,
I’m guessing your sister has spent many years considering getting into contact with your father and decided against it. There could be many reasons, only she knows for sure, but it sounds like she feels she is doing what is best, even though she doesn’t explain why. Have you considered saying to her what you’ve said here? It might not convince her to get in touch with your father, but she might explain her reasons more thoroughly. This could help both you and your father be more comfortable with her decision.
And it sounds like she is giving your father a gift: she isn’t angry or resentful, she says she respects him and keeps him in her prayers. She knows he loves her. Given the way things could have turned out, this is quite something. I think there’s a lot here for you and your father to take heart in.
February 20th, 2008 at 1:42 am
Oh, these family issues can be heart wrenching. I can see why you would want for your sister to connect with your dad … the love that you have for him is very clear in your writing.
My “role” in our family has always been the peacemaker, and it comes at a great cost to my own sanity. I spent six hours, all night, on the phone talking with my older brother about reconciling with my father before dad had life-threatening spinal cord surgery 10 years ago. He and my brother had not spoken for almost 10 years and even though it didn’t have to do with me >> it rocked my world.
I agree with so many of the comments above. Perhaps take your thoughts to your sister and see if you can better understand her reservations. Of course you don’t want to pry or force her to do something that she doesn’t want to do >> but you never know. Your guidance might help to open her heart even further to your dad.