Nobody likes me, everybody hates me…
Posted: November 28, 2007 at 12:46 pm by pannGuess I’ll go eat some worms.
This simple phrase is really a perfect one to describe how I feel when I’m depressed.
Not (yet) suicidal or anything, but just feeling really low. Really insecure.
I don’t know why I get this way sometimes. (other than, hello… it’s the depression, stupid)
I just know my eyes are welling up, my mouth is twitching downwards, I feel spooky and tingly and sad. I feel like I’m a TERRIBLE friend. An AWFUL and irresponsible cat owner (Luna is still off in the wide world, gawd knows where).
I know it’s not true that nobody likes me. I can even be aware of that fact, and think that at the exact same time as I sit, words blurring in front of me, tears rolling down my nose. Maybe it’s the phase of the moon. Maybe it’s the cold, dark, gray and rainy days we’ve had lately. You can barely notice the vibrant colors of fall with all this chill surrounding you all the time.Sob.
It doesn’t really fit into this post’s depressing theme, but I have one anecdote I can share that’s kind of special. After all my angst, I finally did calm down. To bed we went, D and I, me super intent on hurrying up and sleeping RIGHT NOW. Oh, such a restful feeling!
Meanwhile, D dropped off into his early sleep phase, a kind of hypno-drowse that he goes into before falling into total sleep. It is times like this that he talks in his sleep. Sometimes it’s unintelligible mumbles, or bizarre dream words, but last night it was clear as a bell.
“I wish I knew how to make [Pann] happy,” he sleep-talked, “I just love her so much.”
So yeah, not everybody hates me.
Worms, anyone?
Posted in Depression, Family Life, Personal, TMI | 
7 Comments »
November 28th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
I beat myself up and feel really guilty about how “terrible” I am when I am in a funk, too. Please know you are not alone. And yes, indeed, you are adored!
I’ll be thinking of you.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:15 pm
Me thinks you are too hard on yourself (again). You’re going through an awful lot between your cat, your dad and your almost-pregnancy-turned-extra-weight post.
Seriously friend, I’m sending you a virtual hug and well wish. Tomorrow’s another day. And hopefully it will be better.
November 29th, 2007 at 1:44 am
Awwww….I understand….things will get better, and you are wise to recognize that it’s not the “real and actual truth”…
And what a neat thing for D to say when he wasn’t expecting you to be listening! Very sweet!
Hugs to you–I hope you have a wonderful tomorrow…
November 30th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
I like you.
No, that’s too mild.
I love you
November 30th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Okay, just in case people think that last comment is creepy and stalkerish, I actually know Pann in real life, offline, and she is one of my closest friends. So I’m not just some person who reads her blog and is telling her I love her.
If I were depressed and feeling awful, Pann would give me a really big hug and make me a cup of coffee and offer to take care of my kid so I could do something nice for myself. And if I was really sad, she would probably cry a little bit in sympathy. She does that whenever I tell her I’m feeling really bad, because she’s that compassionate.
November 30th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
Aw, TBH you’re the sweetest.
I love you too!
It’s hard to believe that sometimes I could have such emotional trouble that is so far from reality… that I could have a good friend like you but still feel like that – maybe it’s the phthlates… making my brain turn to cottage cheese.
December 3rd, 2007 at 3:24 pm
Oh, man, that is so sweet!