I have not been writing very much lately. It’s not for lack of thinking about it, though. I have a lot of different things I’d like to write about, but my mind is feeling scrambled.

I did get back on my meds, which is of course a very good thing: but I think I am not quite myself yet. It’s funny how at one time I really felt opposed to taking any anti-depressants, for fear they would erase that part of me which is me. It could not have been farther from the truth: they actually just take away that part of me that is NOT me, the depression that I mistook for a part of myself.

Have you ever had to deal with someone who isn’t rational? (well, who hasn’t??) Being depressed (for me) is like dealing with an annoying irrational person all the time, one you can’t get away from, and it’s yourself. Yeah, annoying as hell. Plus, I get extremely irritable. I mean, really anything at all can make me feel annoyed (including myself).

Things that are usually cute or sweet: a hug from a child, a caress from D, a cute little trick that a child wants to do to show off. Instead of reacting in a pleased and friendly way, my internal irritation is extreme. Get off of me, I think. Go away. Stop it.

Because I know these reactions are NOT what’s expected of me, and I don’t even like myself for reacting that way, I try to cover them up, but really I doubt that I fool anyone.

I hate depression. It’s a lot better than say, cancer, or schizophrenia, of course. But it is its own kind of hell, and it feels like it will always be there, lurking.

Right now, though, I am not terribly depressed, but maybe a little under the weather. I want so much for it to be warm, sunny, and I want to be out in the garden, amending the soil, building some new plant beds, checking on my tulips and other bulb plants. Instead it’s raining, and I have been spending way too much time on the computer (and this blog post might just be one of the most productive moments of all the computer time I have spent.).

This wasn’t the blog post I thought would arise from my title “Spring Break Musings.” What I thought I’d write about would be the baby quilt I’d like to make, the plants I would plant if I’d gotten the new beds made, the program I want to create for the summer camp I’ll apparently be running. Instead, here I am nattering on and on about depression.

A nap might just be the ticket, but I have to go to my mother-in-law’s house and tinker around with her dead PC. Joy, rapture, bliss. Then again, maybe we can get dinner there, which would cheer me up, as well as getting out of the house.

Another good remedy: shower. Oh the brilliant ideas that arise when we blog!